


what a catch

by tiffaniesblews



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: (for now?), Angst and Feels, Bisexual Zuko (Avatar), Canon Compliant, Episode: s02e07 Zuko Alone, Gen, Hurt Zuko (Avatar), Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Iroh (Avatar) is a Good Uncle, Ozai (Avatar) Being a Terrible Parent, Ozai (Avatar) is an Asshole, POV Zuko (Avatar), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicidal Thoughts, Teen Angst, Zuko (Avatar)-centric, because I said so, just in case, more tags to come if continued, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-14
Updated: 2021-01-23
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:27:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 38,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27562270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tiffaniesblews/pseuds/tiffaniesblews
Summary: Zuko is thirteen years old when he receives the mark of a banished prince. Humiliated and numb to his emotions, Zuko is unsure of how to stand up to the destiny that is given to him. Now, Zuko must live year after year with his shame, wishing the pain his heart will finally subside.
Relationships: Aang & Zuko (Avatar), Iroh & Zuko (Avatar), Zuko & Zuko's Crew (Avatar)
Comments: 47
Kudos: 185





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I've always wondered what happened in the three years between Zuko's Agni Kai and when the series starts. I don't focus in on all three years, just important events leading up to when Zuko finds Aang. Lots of angst, because that's who I am. 
> 
> I do not own A:TLA, all characters belong to Nickelodeon. Title of work comes from Fall Out Boy's "What a Catch, Donnie".

He’s thirteen years old and the world is on fire.

More specifically, he himself is on fire. He is burning, screaming in agony as he presses his hand over his face, the world around him going white.

“You are weak,” his father sneers. “You are a coward, and you are of no use to me.”

The crowd around him is silent as Ozai taunts his son, though even if there were cheers Zuko is sure he would not have heard them over his own screams. 

“Zuko!” a voice calls out, though Zuko can barely hear it. 

The last image Zuko remembers before he passes out is his Uncle’s face looking down at him and his father’s back to him with his hands balled in fists. 

When he finally wakes up, the world around him is black. Zuko shoots up in bed, his left hand going immediately to his eye. He is met with a bandage and searing pain; Zuko claws at the bandage, grunting in effort as he tries his best to undo it.

“No, Zuko!” Iroh states, running over to the bed from the chair he was sitting in. “You cannot touch it!”

Iroh grabs both of Zuko’s wrists in his hands, gripping them tightly as Zuko tries his best to fight his uncle off. The pain on his face gets worse, and he’s doing everything he can to be rid of it.

“Let me go, let me go!” he yells, trying to wriggle his hands free from his uncle’s grasp. His voice is hoarse when he states, “I need to get out of here, I need to see him!”

“No, Prince Zuko!” Iroh states, his voice raising slightly, causing Zuko to cower. Iroh’s grip on Zuko’s wrists loosen lightly as Zuko tries to catch his breath. Once Zuko calms down, Iroh releases Zuko’s wrists and gently pushes Zuko back down into the bed. “Rest now, nephew, rest.”

“I need to see him,” Zuko repeats as Iroh places the blankets back over Zuko. 

“He does not want to see you,” Iroh replies sadly, his eyes full of sorrow. 

Zuko cries himself back to sleep as he tries to ignore the throbbing in his eye. 

* * *

He is thirteen years old as he looks over the cliffs of the Western Air Temple, his uncle standing behind him. The bandage over his eye is new, though it does nothing to lessen the pain he feels both physically and mentally.

“You’ll be blind,” the healer had told him. “Well, not completely at least, but your sight will definitely suffer.”

Zuko sat there numb to the healer’s words. Iroh just sat on the edge of the bed next him, hand gripping Zuko’s shoulder. 

“Your hearing may be affected as well,” the healer continued, looking more at Iroh than Zuko. Iroh nodded to show he was listening for Zuko.

Zuko didn’t care. At this point what was left for him? Shortly before the healer came, Iroh broke the news that Zuko had been banished and was only allowed to return if he captured the Avatar. A fool’s errand. 

It has been a week since he has been banished, and the wound in his heart is just as fresh as the one on his eye. It has been a week since he’s been burned by his own father, and he has still not looked in a mirror. 

“What a stunning view,” Iroh says, admiring how the skyline blends with the cliffs. 

“The only view I’m interested in is seeing the Avatar in chains,” Zuko retorts, not even looking back at his uncle. Then again, what’s the point of turning around? He can barely see Iroh anyways. 

He hears Iroh sigh deeply behind him. “You know, the Avatar hasn’t been seen for one hundred years. The chances of your finding him here are very slim.”

_Stupid, stupid, stupid_ , Zuko thinks to himself. Of course the Avatar hasn’t been seen for one hundred years, he’s heard the stories, the whispers amongst the Fire Sages and Council members. Zuko has seen how the war has raged on without so much a glimmer of hope. 

But Zuko is determined. He informs his uncle that they will search each of the Air Temples, scour the world, search in the most remote locations. In a way, he’s proud of the plan he has come up with. 

Though uncle suggests that Zuko takes time to heal and rest.

“What else would I expect to hear from the _laziest_ man in the Fire Nation?” Zuko snaps, causing Iroh to just sigh in return. “The only way to regain my honor is to find the Avatar, so I will.”

Iroh just shakes his head behind him and walks away. 

As he listens to Iroh’s receding steps, Zuko wishes he could take his words back. He’s always looked up to Uncle Iroh, always looked at him as a father figure. What changed? When did Zuko become so angry?

His hand goes to the bandage on his face, feeling it beneath his finger tips. The healers told him his eye needs to heal for a few more weeks, but the burn will definitely scar. 

Zuko snaps his hand back to his side. He takes one last sweeping look at the horizon before grunting in satisfaction and turning around to find his uncle. 

He _will_ find the Avatar. 

How else will he gain his father’s love again?

* * *

Two weeks after the Western Air Temple, Zuko stands in his designated room on the boat his father had given to him for his “journey”. According to his uncle, the healers said that Zuko can remove his bandage from his eye; as long as he keeps applying the balm he was given, the burn should heal. 

With shaking hands, Zuko undoes the wrap around his head and slowly removes the gauze from his eye. As soon as it is off, he closes his eyes tightly, scared about what he might see.

_I’ll look like a monster,_ he thinks to himself. _Children are going to scream when they look at me, mothers and fathers are going to gasp when they see me._

He thinks more about the lies he’s been telling those peasants he’s come across on his travels so far. 

A training accident.

A misplaced aim from an opponent. 

An Agni Kai. 

With a shuddering breath, Zuko slowly opens his eyes. As predicted, the sight in his left eye is blurry, causing Zuko to strain his right eye to see. He can’t help but gasp at his reflection in the mirror. The burn has not completely healed, still bubbled and bloody in areas. The burn reaches into his hairline, which is why his hair needed to be shaved. The burn covers his ear, down to his cheekbone. 

Reaching a hand out, he places it on the mirror, trying to distinguish if the reflection he sees is the truth. From the mirror, he slowly brings his hand to his eye, pausing right before he can touch it. 

The door opens behind him, Iroh standing on the threshold. 

“I wouldn’t touch it,” Iroh advises, not moving from his spot, his hands clasped in front of him. 

Zuko doesn’t move, his hand steady in front of his eye. He catches Uncle’s eye in the mirror and winces. 

“Prince Zuko, are you okay?” Iroh asks, finally stepping into the room and making his way towards his nephew. 

“I’m ugly, Uncle,” Zuko responds, finally moving his hand and gripping the table to try and steady himself as his knees have suddenly gone weak. 

“You’re injured,” Iroh replies, trying to place a placating hand on Zuko’s shoulder, but Zuko just shakes him off. 

He feels the tears pooling in his eyes, the salt stinging the burn as they slowly slide down from his cheek to his chin. As he attempts to even his breathing, Iroh stares at him with pity. 

“Go away, Uncle,” Zuko mutters between gasps of breath. 

“Zuko…”

“Uncle, leave me alone!” Zuko begs, shutting his eyes again. 

“Let me help you,” Iroh tries, but Zuko lets out a loud yell. 

“I said, go away!” he screams, turning around, his hands balled into fists. 

Iroh lets out a sigh. “Yes, Prince Zuko.”

It’s not until the door closes behind Iroh that Zuko opens his eyes and notices the flames encasing his hands.

* * *

Zuko is fourteen years old and it’s been a full year since his Agni Kai with his father.

In the weeks leading up to the anniversary, as the men on ship so keenly dubbed it, Zuko had felt a sense of impending doom. Any time anyone looked at him sideways, whether with hatred or pity, Zuko could feel his heart tighten in his chest as he stood up straighter. He wanted to prove to his men that their taunting words did not affect him, that he does not listen to their gibes. 

But on this day, the actual “anniversary”, Zuko wakes just as the sun begins to rise, just as he always does. Usually, when the sun rises, Zuko would roll out of bed, get dressed, and head to the deck to meditate, to feel the sun shine on his face as he takes deep, slow breaths in and out. Iroh says he’s still angry, too impatient, and Zuko knows that he is correct. 

It’s been a full year since his banishment, since his public display of humiliation and Zuko still has not captured the Avatar. With every passing day, Zuko finds himself becoming more and more frustrated, taking out his resentment of his father, of the ever elusive Avatar, of himself towards Uncle Iroh. Unsurprisingly, the older man just allows Zuko to yell, to throw fists of fireballs off the edge of the boat, waiting for Zuko to calm down.

Today, though, as the sun rises, Zuko does not. He rolls over onto his side and peers over at the flag with the Fire Nation crest hanging on the wall. His heart aches with a sense of belonging, and now more than ever does Zuko wish he were home. 

He thinks of his mother, Ursa, who disappeared in the night when he was just ten years old. How Zuko wishes she were here with him now. Would anything about that day he faced his father be different if Ursa were in the crowd watching? Would she have stopped her husband to save her son? Zuko holds in a sob as he pictures her face. 

Time ticks on as Zuko lays in bed curled up in his blankets. He can almost hear the men on deck sneering at the poor boy, spinning lies about Zuko’s banishment. Zuko does not feel like dealing with his men for once; he does not feel like fighting. Instead, he wants to lay in bed, waiting for the ocean to swallow him whole and put him out of his misery.

His stomach growls, and he can feel a light headache coming on from lack of water, but Zuko just ignores the aches and pains. Better to feel hungry and dehydrated than to feel remorse and self-hatred. Better to suffer physically than emotionally. 

At some point, Zuko brings his hand out from under his blankets and begins to rub the scar that resides on the left side of his face. It’s fully healed now, rough to the touch with the occasional smooth spot. He brings his hand out in front of him and closes his right eye; the vision in his left eye is blurry, and he can barely make out his fingers on his hands. Sighing, he moves his hand back under the covers and closes his other eye. 

Zuko has grown accustomed to the scar on his face. He’s adjusted well, according to Iroh. In order to make up for his affected vision and hearing, Zuko practiced over and over again, reviewing every move in his arsenal. He trained with the men, calculating their every move so he gains some control over his new sense of sight and hearing. When he’s alone, Zuko practices with his dao swords, though it’s harder without a sparring partner. 

Still, sometimes he struggles.

It is now noon, and Zuko has not moved from his spot in bed. His eyes are still closed as he reviews that day over and over in his mind. Could he have done something different? Should he have fought back? If he had _just_ done what his father told him to do, just stood up straight and faced his father, would he be here on this boat as a banished prince with an impossible mission? 

_No,_ he thinks bitterly, _I should have kept my damn mouth shut_.

The day of the Agni Kai was the day Zuko decided he was going to stop caring for people. 

A light knock comes at his door that Zuko ignores.

“Zuko,” his uncle calls out, placing another soft knock on the door. “Zuko, are you in there?”

Zuko does his best to ignore his uncle’s voice, squeezing his eyes shut as he tries to will the old man to go away and leave him alone.

“I know you’re in there, Zuko,” Uncle Iroh calls out again.

Zuko can hear the door open slowly as Iroh peeks in at his nephew. He hears Iroh sigh and the sound of footsteps coming inside before closing the door behind him. The bed creaks under Iroh’s weight as he sits. 

“Have you been in bed this whole time?” Iroh asks, gently placing a hand on Zuko’s shoulder.

Zuko gives Iroh the satisfaction of a nod.

“Have you eaten?” Iroh questions. 

Zuko shakes his head no. 

“Zuko, I know today is hard, but you need to take care of yourself,” Iroh advises, giving Zuko’s shoulder a squeeze.

“You have no idea, Uncle,” Zuko spits out, feeling the tears that refused to come earlier slowly build up. 

“You’re right,” Iroh agrees, “I do not understand your pain in particular. It would be unfair of me to think that I do.”

Zuko grunts in response, trying to desperately fight back his tears. He refuses to show weakness, especially in front of his uncle. 

“I know that you are angry, Zuko,” Iroh continues. “I know that you feel an unimaginable amount of pain, but you must know that you do not have to carry the burden of your suffering alone.” 

A sob hitches in Zuko’s throat. Iroh seems to have heard it, because the grip on Zuko’s shoulder tightens. 

“You are only human,” Iroh tells him. “And the weight of your suffering will crush you eventually if you do not allow anyone to help you.”

At this, Zuko finally releases a sob. He takes deep, shuddering breaths that make his chest ache. He keeps his eyes squeezed shut as he sobs into his pillow, Iroh just resting his hand on his shoulder. 

“I want to go _home_ ,” Zuko cries through his sobs. “I just want to go home, Uncle.”

Iroh doesn’t say anything. What can he say? Both he and Zuko know that going home is impossible at this point.

“I want…” Zuko starts, but his breath catches as he thinks about what he could possibly want. 

“What do you want, Zuko?” Iroh asks.

Zuko finally rolls over onto his back, staring up into Iroh’s kind eyes. 

“I want my mother,” Zuko mumbles, feeling like a child. What teenage boy asks for their mother? Is he really that weak?

“Oh, Zuko,” Iroh replies, shaking his head. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

Zuko rolls over again, refusing to look at his uncle. He is weak, just like his father said he was. 

He feels the Iroh get up off the bed. 

“I see you’re not going to move today,” Iroh says, making his way towards the door. “I will bring you some food and something to drink. You need to keep your strength up.”

“Not hungry,” Zuko mutters, pulling his blankets up above his head. 

“Well, I will bring it in case you do get hungry,” Iroh replies. He takes one last look at Zuko before walking away, closing the door behind him. 

Zuko feels tired, so tired. His eyelids feel heavy, probably due to the fact that he barely got any sleep the night before. Giving in, he closes his eyes once more, letting sleep overcome him.

He dreams about burning, searing pain. He dreams of the hatred written on Ozai’s face when he looks down at his pathetic excuse of a son. He dreams of taunts and sneers, but also of pity and sorrow. 

He cries himself to sleep. 

He stays in bed all day.

He doesn’t want to be here anymore. Not in this bed, not on this boat, not on this world. 

Zuko just wants his suffering to end. 

Will his suffering ever end? 

* * *

It’s been three years since his banishment and Zuko is sixteen years old. 

He stands at the front of the ship, a telescope pressed to his right eye.

In the past three years, he’s done everything he told his uncle he would do: scoured the Air Temples, went to the most recluse Earth Kingdom towns, examined every nook and cranny of the world before finally heading south for the South Pole. 

Honestly, Zuko is surprised the men who were assigned to this so-called mission are still with him. For the past three years, Zuko’s heard their whispers of pity and shame as he walked by. Zuko has dealt with their taunts and though they still do not respect him, they fear his ire enough to do whatever he demands. 

As he watches the horizon, he can hear Iroh prattling on in the background. Zuko does his best to ignore the old man. 

It’s been three years and Zuko has never given up hope. He will capture the Avatar, he will return him to the Fire Nation, and he _will_ regain his honor. At this point, hope is all Zuko has. Though there are still days he wishes the earth will suddenly open up and swallow him whole, to finally end his journey around the world.

Zuko is still tired, but he’s better at hiding it now. He masks his mental exhaustion with unbridled rage, using it as a mechanism to keep himself from collapsing. 

In the horizon, a glow of light.

_Finally._


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zuko continues with his journey to find the Avatar.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I mostly summarize certain episodes, taking some of the dialogue, but I mostly try and focus on Zuko's thoughts throughout. I also add some scenes between Iroh and Zuko between episodes since we don't see much.

Zuko is a sixteen year old banished Fire Nation Prince who has been trained in both firebending and dual swords. He’s thought of every scenario for when he finally faces the Avatar. Mediated. Trained. 

Imagine his surprise when the Avatar turns out to be a child. A twelve year old monk who bested him and his crew of elite soldiers single handedly. This is a blow Zuko’s sure he will not recover from.

Back in his room after the Avatar eluded capture with the help of two Water Tribe  _ peasants _ , Zuko sits on his bed, his face in his hands. He was  _ this  _ close to capturing the Avatar,  _ this  _ close to regaining his honor and his birthright. He is ashamed of the indignity that slowly makes its way through the cracks in Zuko’s thoughts 

_ You’re weak,  _ he chides to himself.  _ You are weak, you are a disgrace. The scar on your cheek is one of ignominy. People will either look at you with pity or fear. Choose your poison.  _

Zuko shoots up and begins pacing around his room, trying to decide his next course of action. Of course, the ship will need to be fixed first, but he needs to come up with a simple lie as to  _ why  _ his ship has been completely destroyed. If anyone was to know what the Avatar is alive, Zuko will have competition. Zuko cannot risk being bested again.

He wavers in his step, thinking of a couple of hours ago, when the Avatar slipped through his fingers. He goes further than that, to when he was standing in front of the scarce remainders of the Southern Water Tribe. So easily he could have ended them, had his men kill them all with no sense of remorse. 

But he did not.

Ozai would have called this a moment of weakness, yet Zuko calls it a moment of kindness. Besides, what quarrel did he have with the people of the Southern Water Tribe? In his mind, Zuko knows he can never be too cruel, that he does not possess an inkling of the brutality his father and sister both have. 

Zuko continues his pacing, unaware of his door opening behind him. 

“Prince Zuko?” Iroh asks, sticking his head into the room. “What are you doing?”

“Thinking,” Zuko answers quickly, his left hand rubbing the scar under his eye. “About what, my nephew?” Iroh asks, still not walking in the room, his eyes watching Zuko pace back and forth. 

“Our next move,” Zuko replies simply, as if this is the most obvious answer in the world. 

“This ship needs repairs,” Iroh states, shaking his head at Zuko. “We cannot afford to follow the Avatar like this.”

“I  _ know  _ that, Uncle,” Zuko snaps, facing his uncle. “I’m trying to figure out where to get repairs without drawing suspicion!”

Iroh blinks in surprise. “Yes, well. There is a naval harbor nearby. I suggest we go there first.”

Zuko nods in agreement and begins his pacing once again. Iroh watches him a moment before finally closing the door, leaving Zuko to his thoughts. 

After taking a few striding steps across his room, Zuko makes his way to the mirror that hangs on the wall across from his bed. By this time, Zuko has gotten used to the scar on his eye, so much so that he no longer winces when he sees his reflection. In times like these, the scar is a source of comfort; that he is alive, that he is human; that mistakes, though sometimes unforgivable, can still be made.

“I  _ will _ capture the Avatar,” he says to himself in the mirror, his remaining brow furrowed in concentration. 

The fury inside of him that usually flows in his veins is replaced by a feeling that he has not felt in years: hope. 

* * *

Commander Zhao is pigheaded, cruel, and feeds off of Zuko’s discomfort and bouts of rage. He likes to watch Zuko squirm as he interrogates him about the Avatar’s whereabouts. Must everyone take pleasure in Zuko’s suffering? Zhao’s smile grows wicked when he is informed that Zuko did indeed have the Avatar in his clutches, but soon lost him.

“So a twelve year old boy bested you and your firebenders,” Zhao sneers, stopping his pacing in front of Zuko. “You’re more pathetic than I thought.”

“I underestimated him once, but it will  _ not  _ happen again,” Zuko snaps. 

“No it will not,” Zhao agrees, his voice dripping with contempt, “because you won’t have a second chance.”

Zuko feels the blood rushing to his ears. “Commander Zhao, I’ve been hunting the Avatar for two years and I -”

“And you  _ failed _ ,” Zhao reminds Zuko, flames dancing behind him. 

Zuko would be lying if he says that he remembers the rest of the conversation. He sees red, his face contorting with anger as Zhao continues to make jabs at Zuko. All he remembers is making a jump at Zhao and two guards quickly grabbing his arms and pulling him back. 

Why must this happen to him? Two long years, and Zuko finally thought he made some leeway, but he is unmatched once again. 

Oh, he is angry. So, so angry. And ashamed. He should have taken out that Southern Water Tribe when he had the chance. Then, at least, the two peasants wouldn’t have come to save the Avatar. 

“Watch them,” Zhao commands his officers. 

Zuko, unable to hold in his anger any longer, kicks a table with his foot, breaking it clean in half, much to his uncle’s amusement. 

When Zhao returns, informing Zuko that his search party is ready, Zuko can barely hold his tongue. So what if Zhao has hundreds of ships under his command? So what if Zuko is just a banished prince with no home or no allies? 

Maybe it is foolish to challenge Zhao to an Agni Kai, but Zuko  _ must  _ prove himself. 

But Zhao is right. Zuko is a disgrace and a failure, especially to his father. He will never forget his last Agni Kai, no matter how hard he tries to. 

* * *

Zuko is sixteen years old, and already he has fought in two important Agni Kais. Then again, does the first one even count? 

Zhao, very much like Ozai, is cocky and proud, taunting Zuko as they face off one on one. 

“This will be over quickly,” Zhao taunts, other soldiers nodding in agreement as they sneer at the teenage boy on the other side of the arena. 

Zuko refuses to lose, which is why he shoots first. 

He notices very quickly just how much a powerful firebender Zhao is, avoiding each attack and then throwing each punch one after the other. Zuko is panting now, and hears his uncle yelling about remembering the basics.

_ The basics _ , Zuko thinks as Zhao aims another strong fire blast at Zuko.  _ Basics at a time like this?! _

But it is the basics that save him, that turn the fight around. A well aimed kick at Zhao’s feet allows Zuko to overtake him, and just one well aimed fireball to the face will have earned him a victory.

Just as he’s about to shoot, Zuko stops. He feels a searing pain in his eye, and he remembers how the world goes white around him as his father stands above him, cruelty written in his eyes. 

Zuko grunts and thrusts his fist forward, emitting a fire blast right next to Zhao’s unpleasant face. 

“That’s it?” Zhao asks, still cocky, still proud. “Your father raised a coward!”

“Next time you get in my way, I won’t hold back,” Zuko snaps, unable to keep his voice steady as anger sneaks its way in. 

As Zuko turns around, he does not notice Zhao standing up and aiming a kick at his head, but luckily Iroh is there to stop him. If Iroh were not, Zuko is sure Zhao would have killed him. And a small, tiny voice in the back of Zuko’s mind thinks,  _ Good. Maybe he should have _ . 

But when Iroh states that even in exile, Zuko is still honorable, Zuko cannot help but stand up straighter, and stare at his uncle. Did he really mean that? Was there a way for Zuko to somehow salvage part of his honor that was burned away by his father so long ago? Walking back towards the ship with Uncle Iroh, Zuko feels a small weight off of his shoulders. Perhaps, as uncle said so long ago, he is still  _ somewhat  _ honorable. 

* * *

Zuko has no idea what it means to be a sixteen year old boy.

His whole life, he has been training to be a Fire Nation soldier or to be the crowned Prince of the Fire Nation. When he was younger, everything was handed to him on a silver platter. Zuko, in a way, barely had to think for himself. Ozai gave every order, every direction of his life. His only constant up until he was ten was his mother, who loved Zuko so hard that she willingly gave her life for him. So Zuko assumes at least.

One thing’s for sure, Zuko knows no normal sixteen year old teenage boy burns down a village in order to capture the Avatar. He knows any normal sixteen year old teenage boy would  _ not  _ have to find their disgraced uncle after being left alone in a hot spring to bathe for hours on end. And surely, any sixteen year old boy would not break back into the nation he was banished from just so he could try and follow the Avatar once more. 

Then again, Zuko has never been  _ normal.  _

An outcast.

A prince.

A coward.

A disgrace. 

He even taunts a poor fourteen year old waterbending girl with her own necklace in a desperate attempt to have the Avatar save her. 

“I’ll save you from the pirates,” he goads, holding the waterbender’s wrists in his hands as he tries to look as menacing as possible.

Zuko winces later at how  _ awful  _ the line sounded.  _ Stupid _ . 

His men do not respect him. Then again, have they ever? Again, Zuko is used to taunting, to the sly looks he will occasionally get whenever he tries to order them around. The Lieutenant thinks he knows more about his mission to find the Avatar! What does Zuko care about the men? To him, they are worthless.

But he does not really mean that. Without these men by his side, Zuko would have nothing. In a strange way, he cherishes their company, even if, for all intents and purposes, they do not like him. 

One day, after a terrible storm, a group of his men start to treat him differently. They no longer whisper behind his back, or make it a point to stare at his scar. They listen to him without rolling their eyes. Maybe saving one of his own helped, but Zuko has a suspicion that uncle might have said something.

A few days after the storm, Zuko goes to his uncle’s room, placing a gentle knock on the door. Hopefully, Uncle did not fall asleep. 

“Come in,” Iroh calls out, and Zuko opens the door slowly. Iroh does not turn around from where he is meditating on the floor when he says, “What is it that you need, Zuko?”

“The men are treating me differently,” Zuko says simply, walking into the room and sitting on Iroh’s bed. 

“How so?” Iroh asks, not opening his eyes. 

“Just… different,” Zuko states, tracing patterns on the blanket. “Nicer. They’re less… daunting.”

“Hmm,” Iroh hums, a trail of smoke blowing from his nostrils. “Interesting, indeed.”

“You said something, didn’t you?” Zuko asks. 

Iroh does not answer, just slowly opens his eyes and looks at his nephew. 

“What did you say to them?” Zuko demands, standing up angrily. All pretense of trying to be cool and collected jump out the window, and Zuko is so  _ angry _ that Uncle Iroh had to stick his nose in places he shouldn’t.

“Zuko, they are treating you with respect, is that not what you want?” Iroh asks, turning his body slightly so that he was now facing Zuko completely. 

“What did you tell them?” Zuko snaps, glaring at Iroh, trying to relax enough so that his fists do not explode in fire. One look in Iroh’s eyes and Zuko knows what happened. “You  _ told  _ them? You told them of my disgrace? What my own  _ father  _ did to me?”

Iroh nods slowly. Zuko lets out a yell and punches the closest wall, and Iroh doesn’t even flinch. 

“How could you tell them!?” Zuko demands, sitting back down on the bed, cradling his hurt hand in the other. “How could you? I had everything under control!” 

“They were calling you a spoiled brat,” Iroh states, standing up slowly and smoothing the wrinkles on his robe. 

“Maybe I am,” Zuko hisses, unable to look at Iroh.

“Yes, maybe you are,” Iroh retorts, heading towards the table on the side of his room where a kettle of tea is settled. He pours himself a cup, blowing on it to cool it down as he studies his nephew.

“You had no right to tell them,” Zuko repeats, finally locking eyes with his uncle, who is taking a drink of his tea.

“Perhaps not,” Iroh says slowly, “but were you going to tell them?”

Zuko blinks at that. No, he was not planning on telling his men anything. Why would he? 

“Thought not,” Iroh answers, shaking his head. “Zuko, I understand I may have overstepped my boundaries, and I am sorry if I did. But, as you said, the men did not respect you and I needed to defend your honor.”

“My  _ honor _ ,” Zuko scoffs, standing back up. “I have none of that left.”

“You have more than you know,” Iroh claims, placing his cup down on the table. He lifts the kettle and pours another cup, which he offers to Zuko.

Zuko, to his credit, takes it without question. 

“Zuko, why else do you think I told your men about what Ozai did to you?” Iroh asks, picking up his cup again and now sitting next to his nephew on the bed. 

“To warn them against his ire?” Zuko asks, glancing sideways at his uncle. 

“No, Zuko,” Iroh sighs, slowly twirling his tea in the cup. “To make sure they know exactly what kind of person he is.”

Zuko blinks. “Did it - did it work?”

Iroh sighs again and takes another sip of tea. 

“Humph,” Zuko grunts, taking a drink from his own cup. Being impatient, he did not wait for the tea to cool down, and it burns when it makes its way down his throat. He gags slightly, but not enough for his uncle to take notice. 

“Take your men’s newfound respect for you,” Iroh suggests. “You earned their respect due to your beliefs, not because of what happened to you.”

Zuko mulls on that, on the fact that maybe it was his own actions that caused the men to respect him, not those of his uncle. 

His fingers make their way to his scar again, this time without thinking. Iroh watches Zuko over his cup of tea. 

* * *

Zhao cannot have the Avatar.

In a way, in his twisted, warped mind, Zuko believes the Avatar belongs to him. Only Zuko is allowed to come home with Avatar, his people calling his name in pride. He imagines Ozai’s face, full of respect and love for once, as Zuko presents his prize. 

Like he tells his uncle, he cannot risk losing his honor, his throne, and his country. He will  _ not  _ lose. 

This is why Zuko dons the mask of the Blue Spirit. Because Zhao cannot take his pride. For that reason, and that reason only. 

Zuko quietly sneaks off the boat, when he is absolutely sure his uncle and the men are distracted enough not to notice him.

He hides for a bit in the woods, spotting a wagon making its way towards Zhao’s fortress where he assumes the Avatar is being held. Quickly, he runs to it, grabbing on to the back. As he draws closer to the fortress, he makes his way to the undercarriage. Once the wagons reach the gate, Zuko quickly shifts his weight and climbs up to the side right before one of the guards checks the undercarriage. Before anyone can spot him, Zuko is in the wagon. 

As the boxes are being unpacked, Zuko hides in the shadows of the wagons before sneaking off. He steadily and stealthily infiltrates the fortress, going into the sewers and climbing the walls. Luckily, he finds where the Avatar is being held; the extra guards are a giveaway, and Zuko cannot help but smile at his luck for once. Quickly, he knocks out the guards and shoulders his way into the room where the Avatar is chained up. 

The Avatar struggles against the chains as he looks at Zuko. He takes out his swords and runs towards the Avatar, who screams in fear before realizing that Zuko has cut the chains, not his face.

“Who are you? What’s going on? Are you here to rescue me?” the Avatar asks, curiosity replacing fear as he rubs his wrists. 

Zuko just opens the door and motions for the Avatar to follow.

“I’ll take that as a ‘yes’,” the Avatar states, following his rescuer out of the room. 

It is then that Zuko realizes that the Avatar really is just a child as he yells at some half frozen frogs that his friends need to suck on them to get better. Zuko does his best not to groan as he picks the Avatar up by the collar and carries him away. 

Strangely enough, though, Zuko feels somewhat bad for the Avatar. He is alone, isn’t he? Where are the Water Tribe peasants? And  _ why  _ do his friends need to… suck on frogs? 

_ No, no, Zuko,  _ he warns himself.  _ You need to focus. _

He leads Aang towards the sewers, but once the warning bells toll, the Avatar overtakes him. 

“Stay close to me,” the Avatar yells, and Zuko does. The Avatar is a powerful airbender, and sure, Zuko has his dao swords, but maybe the extra bending will come in handy. 

Together, they almost make it out. And Zuko hates to admit it, but having the Avatar on his side isn’t that bad. 

But when they are backed in a corner, Zuko does what he must: he holds the blades to the Avatar’s neck knowing that Zhao will not risk killing the Avatar. 

Slowly, they back out the gate, and Zuko can hear the younger boy’s breathing. Short, nervous breaths that signal to Zuko that he is afraid. 

And Zuko is afraid too. Would he really kill the Avatar just to have his way? This… child, for that is all the Avatar is? Isn’t Zuko just a child too? 

Wasn’t Zuko just a child, too?

Zuko’s so lost in his own thoughts that he does not realize the arrow making its way towards him until it is too late, and his head hits the ground hard. 

A moment later, it is morning and Zuko wakes up on the ground to a canopy of leaves above him. The Avatar sits on a nearby root, his chin resting on his knees. Zuko’s vision is blurry, blurrier than usual as he stares at the young boy next to him. 

He listens to the Avatar tell his story about living one hundred years ago, how he was friends with a Fire Nation boy named Kuzon. Zuko cannot help but be somewhat fascinated over the fact that the two used to get into trouble. 

“If we knew each other back then,” the Avatar asks Zuko, looking at him with sincerity, “do you think we could have been friends, too?”

Time stops as Zuko considers the Avatar’s question. So badly does Zuko want to say  _ yes _ , yes we would be friends. But he cannot. The Avatar is his enemy, and he must do what he can to gain his honor back.

So, instead of answering, Zuko aims a fireball at the Avatar, who quickly jumps in the air to avoid it and flies away. 

Zuko lays back down, looking at the spot where the Avatar, a  _ child _ , once sat. 

And before he can stop himself, Zuko is crying, tears making their way down his cheeks to his chin, a couple sliding to the corners of his mouth where he tastes the salt.

Because Zuko so badly wanted to accept the Avatar’s offer. To forget about his destiny and his disgrace in the Fire Nation. The very nation that turned his back against him when he himself was a child, burned at his father’s own hand. 

Wiping away his tears, Zuko gets up off the ground and makes his way back to the ship. He changes before he climbs aboard, passing his uncle on the main deck.

In his room, he is lost in thought once more, staring at the Fire Nation symbol on the flag on the wall. 

Could he and the Avatar ever be friends? 

_ No _ , Zuko thinks,  _ maybe if I was a stronger man. Maybe one day, I’ll stop feeling so damn guilty and angry, and maybe, just maybe, we could be friends?  _

Once again, Zuko is tired, the thoughts in his mind swimming around. 

He hates himself for being weak. But why, exactly, is Zuko weak? 

Because he should have stood up to his father three years ago?

Or because he wanted to accept the Avatar’s offer of friendship? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again for reading! I do hope to continue with this of I can!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zuko continues his search, both of the Avatar and of himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some dialogue taken from "Bato of the Water Tribe", "The Waterbending Master," and "The Seige of the North Pole pparts 1 and 2".

Zuko continues with his journey around the world as he chases the Avatar.

So many times does Zuko have him in his grasp only for him to slip away. At one point Zuko is so desperate he hires a bounty hunter, and he uses the waterbender’s necklace he stole as a way to track the Avatar. 

The bounty hunter thinks this is funny, because she assumes that Zuko is looking for his  _ girlfriend _ , causing Zuko to blanche at the thought. It occurs to him then that he doesn’t actually know the names of the two Water Tribe peasants, much less the Avatar’s name. Are they not human after all? They must know his name at least, right?

“What do you mean you don’t even know their names?” June asks from atop her shirshu, Iroh and Zuko both holding on for dear life. “I would hope you know your girlfriend’s name at least!”

“She’s  _ not  _ my girlfriend,” Zuko snaps, gritting his teeth as Iroh chuckles in front of him. Iroh seems to be enjoying June’s taunting of Zuko. 

“Whatever you say,” June drawls as the shirshu, Nyla, continues running on. 

“They’re my enemies,” Zuko continues, yelling over the wind that picks up around them as Nyla speeds on. 

“Enemies?” June asks, glancing over her shoulder at Zuko, an eyebrow raised slightly. 

“Yes,” is all Zuko says in return. 

June smirks and turns back around. “Whatever you say, loverboy.”

Zuko is about to open his mouth, snap at June once again for making false accusations, but Iroh just shushes him. Annoyed, Zuko clenches his jaw, silently cursing at June. 

They pass by an herbalist, a sleepy town with a fortune teller, and an abbey full of nuns creating different perfumes before finally cornering the two Water Tribe peasants on a path.

_ Finally _ , Zuko thinks, jumping down from Nyla and stepping towards the girl.

“So this is your girlfriend?” June drawls, eyeing the girl warily. “No wonder she left you, she’s way too pretty for you.”

Zuko does his best to ignore June and turns his attention to the two siblings standing up straight before him. Of course they deny the Avatar’s whereabouts, and what’s worst the boy calls him stupid. As they try to run, Nyla flicks his tongue at them, paralyzing them. Then, by some stroke of luck, Nyla picks up the Avatar’s scent. 

They all hop on Nyla, grabbing the peasants as they do, who leads them back to the abbey, circling the area impatiently. 

“Aang!” the girl calls out as the Avatar flies down on his staff towards them.

_ Aang,  _ Zuko thinks, watching as the Avatar lands by Zuko.  _ He has a name. _

Aang stares at Zuko a bit, waiting for him to begin. Zuko, as always, starts the fight, aiming a fireblast at the Avatar. Though young, the Avatar is ever a worthy opponent, and it seems as he has also been practicing his waterbending, though he still relies heavily on airbending. Zuko does his best to keep up, sending fireblasts as the Avatar continuously avoids them, jumping and weaving throughout. 

At one point, as the two balance on a well, the Avatar reaches for the necklace on Zuko’s wrist. “You have something I want!”

Zuko scoffs as the Avatar tries to snatch the necklace. 

Of course, the Avatar wins and Zuko lays next to his uncle after being paralyzed by Nyla’s tongue. The Water Tribe peasants just had to interfere; Zuko was doing so well. At least, he thinks he was. 

As he lays there, waiting for the toxins to fade, Zuko replays Avatar's name in his head. Aang, the waterbender called him. The Avatar’s name is Aang. Right then, Zuko realizes that not only is the Avatar just a child, but he is  _ human _ . Like Zuko, he has blood rushing through his veins into his heart, with thoughts and feelings of his own. The Avatar is no longer this disembodied symbol of hope, but a real, living and breathing human child. 

And Zuko is ashamed. For the Avatar was thrust into this war just like Zuko was, wasn’t he? 

Slowly, Zuko begins to gain some feeling in his arms back, and he flexes his hands at his side.

_ No, Zuko _ , he thinks to himself.  _ You cannot afford to think this way. The Avatar is still your enemy, and you still must capture him _ .

Once he can stand back up, he pushes his thoughts away and repeats his mantra. 

Capture the Avatar.

Return home.

Regain your honor. 

Earn your father’s love.

If Zuko must stop viewing the Avatar as human, then so be it. 

He rubs at his wrist, expecting to feel the leather band of the necklace that once resided there, and is somewhat disappointed when he realizes the Avatar must have grabbed it. 

* * *

No sixteen year old should ever come close to facing death.

Earlier, Zhao came aboard the ship, informing Zuko that he was taking his crew. Rightfully Zuko is angry, especially when Zhao tells him that he will be heading North to capture the Avatar.

That’s supposed to be  _ Zuko’s  _ victory! Not Zhao’s! Zuko does his best not to punch Zhao in his smug face, but when Zhao turns around and spots the dao swords hanging on Zuko’s wall, he cannot help but panic. 

_ He can’t know _ , Zuko thinks to himself, trying to steady his breathing as Zhao takes one off the wall. 

“I didn’t know you were skilled in broadswords, Prince Zuko,” Zhao states casually, practicing with one of the blades. 

“I’m not,” Zuko clips. “They’re antiques. Just decorative.”

Clearly, Zhao does not believe him, going so far to ask Iroh if he has heard of someone called ‘The Blue Spirit’. 

_ So that’s what they’re calling me _ , Zuko thinks.  _ Good _ .

But Zuko is in danger, and he recognizes the danger he is in from the moment Zhao places the sword back on the wall and walks out. 

The next day, Zuko knows he should have joined Iroh on his walk, knows he should have done  _ something  _ instead of brooding in his room. This is his first mistake. 

His second mistake is leaving his room and making his way towards the control room where a banging noise and voices are coming from. 

The world goes red, orange,  _ loud _ as an explosion rips through the air. 

Just in time, Zuko creates a wall of flame around himself as he is pushed through the window and down into the water. His back hits the water hard, and he feels a pain in his chin and his right eye. The impact of the water knocks the wind out of him and he struggles to swim upwards, kicking his feet towards the surface.

By mistake, he breathes in through his nose and his lungs fill with water, causing Zuko to panic. 

_ No, no, no _ , Zuko begs,  _ not like this! I didn’t want it to end like this! _

But then again, maybe surrendering to the water isn’t so bad. Water is his natural opposite, isn’t it? Losing to his opposite element feels… right, in a way. And didn’t Zuko often wish for this day? For death to slowly embrace him?

For a moment, Zuko stops struggling and allows himself to slip further down into the water, his eyes growing heavy. His mind goes foggy, and Zuko can’t help but smile.

Then, Uncle Iroh’s face appears before him. Iroh, who’s treated Zuko like a son since the day he was born. Iroh, who left the Fire Nation  _ for Zuko _ , even though he did not have to. Iroh, who will surely mourn the loss of his nephew and lose hope once more.

Opening his eyes, Zuko again begins struggling towards the surface, putting in all of his effort. He kicks and claws until he finally breaks the surface, taking deep, gasping breaths of air. Looking around, he finds shore and does his best to swim towards the sandy coast. 

Once he reaches land, he lays on the sand struggling to catch his breath. He stares up at the stars above him, unsure of whether or not he should be thanking the Spirits for helping him, or cursing them for not killing him sooner. He knows he’s weak for wishing for the easy way out, that people will frown when they find out he sometimes  _ wished  _ for death. 

Then again, no one would have known since, clearly, someone had tried to kill him. 

“Zuko!” he hears Uncle Iroh call out, his voice heavy with panic and pain. “Zuko!”

“I’m here,” Zuko mutters, not loud enough for Iroh to hear him over the flames of the ship, or the soft waves of the water. “I’m here.”

“Oh, Zuko!” Iroh calls out again. “Please, please, no!”

Swallowing, Zuko puts a fist in the air and sends out a blast of fire, praying Uncle sees it.

“Who was that?” Iroh calls out, somewhat defensively. “Who is that? You will pay for your crimes!”

Zuko sends out another blast, coughing slightly. He hears footprints heading towards him.

“Zuko!” Iroh calls out, his footsteps getting louder and heavier as he approaches his nephew. 

“Uncle…” Zuko sputters out just as Iroh flings himself onto Zuko, grabbing under Zuko’s arms and pulling him in a tight embrace. This makes it harder to breathe, but Zuko does not care. Instead, he wraps his arms around his uncle, feeling his uncle shake as he cries into Zuko’s shoulder.

“Oh, Zuko,” Iroh cries. “I thought I lost you. I thought I lost you like I did Lu Ten. I cannot lose you too, Zuko. Oh, Zuko, I am so sorry.”

“I’m okay, Uncle,” Zuko says gently, squeezing his uncle tighter. “I’m okay.”

Iroh continues crying as he lets go of Zuko. “You’re hurt.”

“A little,” Zuko replies, taking a deep breath in, feeling a slight pain in his lungs. 

Iroh stands up, helping Zuko along the way. “Come, we must make camp. I will see if I can find you some clothes and maybe something to help with your injuries. We must find out who did this.”

“It was Zhao, Uncle,” Zuko states as Iroh helps Zuko walk back towards the forest. “He tried to have me killed.”

“That is a very large accusation, Zuko,” Iroh exclaims, helping Zuko sit once they find a shaded area for them to rest. “How can you be sure?”

“Because he…” Zuko starts, but he stops. Does he tell Iroh about what he has done?

“Because what?” Iroh asks, gathering some branches to start a fire.

“Because… with me out of the way, maybe he thinks you would join him?” Zuko offers, unsure about the lie he feeds his uncle.

Iroh considers it though, stroking his beard slightly. “Yes. Yes, I think you might be right.”

Zuko visibly relaxes. Iroh quickly stokes the fire before sitting next to Zuko.

“Are you okay?” Iroh asks, checking over Zuko’s injuries. “Anything broken?”

“My pride,” Zuko says, wincing as Iroh places a gentle finger on the bruise forming on Zuko’s chin. 

“Hmm,” Iroh hums. “Let’s be thankful you were not killed.” 

“Sometimes, I wish I was,” Zuko says before he can stop himself. 

Iroh pauses at Zuko’s words, his eyes growing wide as he stares at his nephew.

“I mean, not like that!” Zuko says, struggling to correct himself. “I don’t know. Maybe, sometimes.”

“Zuko, what are you telling me?” Iroh asks. “What are you saying?”

Zuko swallows and stares at the flames ahead of him. His voice is barely above a whisper when he says, “Sometimes, I wish I were dead.”

He hears Iroh sigh next to him. “I see.”

“It would just be so much easier,” Zuko says, looking at his uncle who begins to rub his back in sympathy. “I wouldn’t have to deal with all of this loss and pain.”

“Death is quick and easy,” Iroh states, “but I know you like to fight.”

“I don’t want to anymore,” Zuko claims. “I don’t want to fight anymore.” 

“Then what do you want to do?” Iroh asks. 

Zuko does not answer. Instead, he looks away again at the flames that dance in the moonlight. 

“Zuko, you are not someone who gives up,” Iroh tells him. “You never have been. This is a trait you gained from your mother.”

“Do you think she would be proud of me?” Zuko asks, ashamed once again to be asking for his mother like some damn child. 

“I don’t know,” Iroh answers honestly. “You can make her proud though.”

Zuko sighs and closes his eyes. “We need to get to the North Pole.” 

“If that is what you wish to do,” Iroh says. “But I need you to promise me one thing.”

Zuko opens his eyes and looks over at his uncle. “What?”

“Don’t give up without a fight.”

* * *

Infiltrating Zhao’s ship goes over much easier than Zuko expects. 

The plan: Iroh tells Zhao about the ‘accident’ that killed Zuko, he asks to join Zhao’s army, and then he smuggles Zuko in after retrieving an extra set of armor for Zuko to disguise himself with. 

After the terrible luck he’s had the past few months, Zuko tries not to get too hopeful. He tries to be as patient as possible on the journey towards the North Pole, and he makes sure to give Uncle Iroh as much room as possible as to draw away any suspicion. Despite Zuko’s caution, Iroh finds him as often as possible to check in. Iroh relays Zhao’s plan for the invasion and Zuko steadily readies himself. 

At night, after the fighting is put on pause, Zuko slowly makes his way to the deck to steal one of the row boats. Iroh follows him, offering his words of wisdom as always. Usually, Zuko would accept Iroh’s unsolicited wisdom, but right now, Zuko is too focused on his task at hand. 

“I just nag you, because well...,” Iroh says, his voice breaking.

“Uncle, you don’t have to say it,” Zuko replies gently. 

“... I think of you as my own,” Iroh finishes, tears welling up in his eyes. 

“I know, Uncle,” Zuko replies, as his uncle embraces him in a tight hug. There is no doubt in his mind that the reason Iroh is so emotional is because of their conversation a week ago after Zuko was almost killed. “We’ll meet again.”

As Zuko slowly descends from the ship on the row boat, Iroh continues to whisper-shout advice to Zuko; the younger man cannot help but chuckle at his uncle’s incessant warnings. 

Getting into the Northern Water Tribe is no easy task. Zuko finds a pack of turtle seals who use tunnels within the water to travel; with his breath of fire, Zuko figures he can make the trip.

Unlike when he was drowning after Zhao’s assissination attempt, Zuko fights. He thinks of his Uncle, of his mother, of his father and sister. Everything he does is to make them proud, to show that he is worthy of love and affection. Yet he also fights for himself: now he has something to prove. 

He needs to prove to himself that he is strong, that he is not the coward everyone says he is. Zuko really just wants to be the man that Uncle Iroh knows he can be. 

When he finally penetrates the last block of ice into a tunnel deep within the walls of the Northern Water Tribe, Zuko lays back and pants, waiting for soldiers to pass by before sneaking away. He’s not sure how or why, but he seems to know where the Avatar is located. Slowly, he creeps along the tunnels, ducking behind buildings made of ice and snow, careful to avoid any waterbenders catching their breaths or fortifying their already ruined city. 

Zuko’s heart beats out of his chest as he draws nearer to his quarry. He notices the waterbender and another girl with pure white hair standing by the Avatar who is sitting near a pond, his eyes and arrows glowing white.

“I’m perfectly capable of protecting him,” the waterbender tells the other girl proudly.

“Well, aren’t you a big girl now,” Zuko says quickly, sarcasm dripping with every word. 

He watches as the girl’s eyes go wide before finally setting with purpose, assuming a defensive stance. The other girl runs off, but Zuko barely notices.

What he does notice is how much better the waterbender has gotten. She furiously defends his attacks, using moves she clearly learned recently. Back and forth, push and pull. He feels himself getting frustrated as she continues to best him, at one point encasing him in a ball of ice.

He will not lose to her. He refuses to lose to her.

Zuko heats up the ball of ice, aiming once again at the waterbender until, finally, she guides the water towards him and pushes him against the wall, freezing him there.

Then the sun rises, and with the sun, Zuko’s power returns. Slowly, he breathes steam through his nose, melting the ice quickly.

While the waterbender is not looking, he aims another blast at her. She turns around too late, trying to shield herself, but Zuko’s blast sends her slamming into a gate, knocking her out.

Zuko grabs the Avatar by the collar as he glances at the girl.

“You rise with the moon… I rise with the sun,” he claims, tugging the Avatar away.

Zuko can’t help but be embarrassed by the line later, but it sounded good at the time.

* * *

Zuko carries the Avatar on his back through the frozen tundra. He is freezing, but he cannot risk heating himself up too much and injuring the Avatar in the process. If Zuko cannot return the Avatar alive, then why capture the Avatar at all?

Zuko is no monster.

At least… he hopes he’s not.

He finally catches sight of a small cave that will shelter him from the storm around him and he drags the Avatar into the cave and ties him up. He knows it’s silly, the Avatar is clearly on some sort of Spirit journey, but he can’t be too cautious, can he?

Maybe he is a monster. 

Zuko rests on the other side of the cave, using his breath of fire to warm himself up. The Avatar shifts slightly, but does not wake up. 

“I finally have you,” Zuko tells him. 

Speaking to the Avatar is silly, isn’t it? Why must he spill his secrets to the child clearly in his mercy? Agni, he even tells the Avatar about his  _ sister _ , the firebending prodigy. 

Azula was born lucky. 

Zuko was lucky to be born.

The words hurt as he says them out loud, but he bites down the pain. Zuko knows he doesn’t need luck, that fighting and struggling has made him strong. Has made him who he is.

For once, Zuko does not totally hate himself. There is pain, yes, and suffering, so much suffering, but he knows he would not be where he is without it. Though now that he thinks of it, this might be some sort of backwards belief. 

He sits back down across from the Avatar, curling his knees into his chest, watching the steady rise and fall of the younger boy’s chest. 

Finally, after what feels like hours, the Avatar wakes, struggling against his restraints before finally noticing Zuko.

“Welcome back,” Zuko tells him.

The Avatar’s eyes narrow as he replies, “It’s good to be back.”

And before Zuko can do anything, the Avatar propels himself away from the wall.

_ Right _ , Zuko thinks to himself, somewhat frustrated,  _ airbending. _

He follows the Avatar out of the cave and grabs him again, telling him he cannot escape.

But once again, the Water Tribe peasants come back to save their friend. And though Zuko assumes he can take the waterbender in a rematch, he quickly realizes he cannot when she finally knocks him out.

When Zuko wakes up, dazed by the events, he is on the Avatar’s bison, tied up in the saddle. The world is also gray. He’s not sure what’s going on, but he is able to untie himself and escape, ignoring what is happening around him. For right now, all that is on his mind is Zhao. 

He runs through the town, finally finding Zhao trying to flee and he blasts a well aimed fireball at him.

Zhao turns around, eyes widening when he spots Zuko. “You’re alive?!”

“You tried to have me killed!” Zuko shouts back, sending another attack Zhao’s way.

Disgrace, Zhao calls him. A failure. These words just fuel Zuko’s hatred as he continues aiming at Zhao.

Disgrace.

Failure.

Coward.

Traitor.

Humiliation. 

Dishonor. 

Zuko has been called many names, and he’s not sure which he hates more. He knows for a fact that he is on the wrong side of this war, but to be honest, he’s not sure what the right side is. All he knows is that he does not want to be like Zhao.

As Zuko gains the upper hand, the world is in color again, and Zhao’s eyes widen when he looks in the sky, the bright moon shining above them. 

Too late, Zuko notices the Spirit making its way towards him and Zhao. Too late, Zuko notices the hand encasing Zhao and dragging him off the bridge and towards the water.

Zuko runs up, holding his hand out. “Take my hand!”

Because even though Zuko is full of hate, Zuko does not think Zhao deserves this fate. Because, deep down, Zuko knows there is some good in him. He’s done many terrible things, but watching Zhao die is not going to be one of them.

Zhao gives Zuko a hard look before finally being pulled into the water. Zuko just stares. 

* * *

Finding Iroh is not hard. Neither is finding a raft for them to use to escape. 

“I’m surprised, Prince Zuko,” Uncle Iroh says as they float slowly on the water, “surprised that you are not at this moment trying to capture the Avatar.”

Zuko lays back on the raft, staring at the cloudless sky above him. “I’m tired.”

“Then you should rest,” Iroh tells him. “A man needs his rest.”

Zuko does what he is told and closes his eyes.

He’s not sure what will happen next. He’s not sure what he will do or where he will go. 

As he sleeps, the Avatar makes his way through his dreams. The young boy taunts him, calling him a coward. He sees the hurt in the Avatar’s eyes as Zuko refuses his offer of friendship. He sees the hatred in the eyes of the waterbender as she fights with strength and honor. He sees Zhao’s determined, but also dejected, look as the Spirit takes him away. 

Zuko is not sure what to think. 

All he knows is that he is hated. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zuko realizes there is more to life than being a banished prince.

Zuko is almost seventeen years old and he has not seen his Nation in three years. 

When his sister, Azula, offers him the chance to come home, Zuko cannot help but jump at the chance. Iroh is suspicious; he thinks that Zuko should not trust Azula.

Azula always lies. 

Isn’t that what Zuko used to repeat to himself when he was younger? Whenever Azula was goading Zuko, telling him misinformation to make him upset, Zuko would sit up in bed with his knees curled up into his chest, repeating the saying over and over again. 

Azula always lies.

But she could not possibly be lying right now, could she? Why would Ozai send Azula to find Zuko and Iroh if he did not wish for them to return home? Did Ozai finally recognize Zuko’s strength? Did he finally find a purpose for Zuko?

As Zuko prepares to leave, Iroh urges him to reconsider. Since when does Ozai forgive so easily? 

Avatar be damned, Zuko wants to go home. He is sure Iroh will not return with him, that he will stay behind despite Zuko’s protests, yet Zuko is surprised when Iroh runs down the path after him, ready to embark on their journey home. Zuko also pays no attention to the fact that Iroh has changed into his armor and that he eyes the soldiers that lead them towards the boat wearily. 

Approaching the boat, Zuko cannot help but to smile to himself.  _ Finally  _ he is going home.  _ Finally _ he will have a place to belong. His father wants him back. His father misses him. His father regrets sending him away. 

This is everything Zuko has wanted and more. 

“We’re taking the prisoners home!” the captain yells; a slip of the tongue, the surprise in his eyes a tell tale sign of his screw up. 

Zuko and Iroh stop, both surprised. Iroh turns to Zuko slightly, but Zuko takes no notice of his Uncle’s face with regret and concern written all over it. Instead, the blood rushes to his ears as the captain struggles to apologize for his blunder.

Zuko growls and marches forward, pushing the captain aside as he looks up at his sister. “You lied to me!” 

“Like I’ve never done that before,” Azula replies smugly, her eyes full of mischief and cruelty. Only Azula could be a perfect combination of both. 

Azula always lies. Azula always lies. 

So Zuko, like always, is the first to strike. 

* * *

Zuko and Uncle Iroh sit in front of a stream, listening to the water babble. They barely escaped Azula and the rest of her soldiers, and Iroh sits with his hand against his chest as he catches his breath. 

He cannot help but think of how Uncle Iroh was right this whole time. Why did Zuko not listen? Not only that, he has never been more grateful and in awe of his uncle than in this moment. He thinks back to Uncle, grabbing Azula’s hand in his and redirecting the lightning through his finger tips. 

“I think we’re safe here,” Iroh tells him, still clutching his chest.

As Zuko nods in agreement, he pulls out a small dagger from his pocket. He eyes it wearily, trying to decide his next move. Next to him, Iroh closes his eyes as if he is aware of the boy’s intentions. When he opens them, Zuko already has the dagger pressed to his ponytail, ready to cut through.

In Fire Nation tradition, cutting off one’s topknot is the equivalent of death and dishonor. This has been known by generations of Fire Nationals, and those who cut off their topknots are often looked down upon with disgrace. To cut off one’s topknot, one must either be desperate or truly humiliated. 

Zuko is both.

He slices through the hair easily, just below the ribbon tying the hair together. Holding the hair in his hand, he passes the knife to Iroh who cuts off his own topknot. At the same time, both Zuko and Iroh open their hands, their topknots falling into the river only to drift away from them.

_ There _ , Zuko thinks bitterly.  _ Now I really have no home. _

“Come, Zuko,” Iroh says, interrupting Zuko’s thoughts and standing up. “We must find a change of clothes and maybe some food. We have a long way to go.”

“Where are we going, Uncle?” Zuko asks as Iroh begins to lead the way through the wooded area. 

“I’m not sure,” Iroh replies. “But wherever we go, we must be prepared.”

Zuko just nods. As the two walk, Zuko’s hand makes his way up to his head, where he rubs the short patch of hair at the top of his skull. 

_ It’ll grow back _ , he tells himself. 

* * *

Often, Zuko imagines what it would be like to travel back in time. He thinks of all of the different parts of his life that he would travel too and what he would change. Most of the time, he knows he would change most aspects of his life for the better.

He would go back to when he was ten years old and save Lu Ten from dying in Ba Sing Se.

He would go back to when he was ten years old and stand up to Azula as she pokes fun at him for being a weak bender.

He would go back to when he was ten years old and stop his mother from leaving him and Azula with Ozai.

Seems like his life started to go down hill when he was ten years old. But Zuko would not stop there.

He would go back to when he was eleven years old, and spend more time with his uncle who was still mourning the loss of his son. 

He would go back to when he was twelve years old and kiss Mai on that dare Azula and Ty Lee gave him.

He would go back to when he was thirteen years old and stop himself from going to the war meeting. He would stop himself from speaking out. He would stop the Agni Kai. 

Honestly, Zuko would mostly go back in time to tell his younger self how much  _ harder  _ sixteen going on seventeen year old Zuko has it. He would warn his younger self about all of the hardships he will endure, all of the pain that he must suffer.

For the past month, Zuko and Iroh have been living like refugees, going from town to town, begging for money and food. Zuko is disgusted by his actions, by the way he must beg like a common peasant. Then again, he begins to become acutely aware of how much he did not know about the world. 

How many other people must beg in order to survive? Zuko has always been fortunate enough to know when his next meal will be, but now? How many nations are like this? Is his own nation full of people begging on the streets?

Zuko cannot stand it. 

What’s worse, Iroh seems to have no idea how to identify poisonous plants and he brews himself some “White Jade Lily” that causes his body to swell and become covered in a rash. Even though they’re enemies of the Earth Kingdom, they decide to take their chances to find Iroh some help. Luckily, they come across a young healer in town, and Zuko does his best to hide his identity. He’s not actually sure how many people will recognize him because of his scar. Then again, maybe only Fire Nation citizens know of his disgrace.

“Do you have names?” the healer, Song, asks Zuko as she focuses on helping Iroh. 

“Names? Of course we have names!” Zuko states, mind racing. How could they not have thought of names to use as they travel? “I’m… Lee. And this is my uncle, uh, Mushi.”

He gives Song a smile he hopes is convincing as she giggles into her hand. Iroh shoots daggers at Zuko before giving Song a warm smile.

“Yes, my nephew was named his father,” Iroh explains cheekily, “so we just call him Junior.”

Now it’s Zuko’s turn to glare. Song pays him no attention as she slathers some lotion over Iroh’s rash. 

When Iroh is all fixed, Song insists that Zuko and Iroh join her and her mother for dinner. Zuko tries to get out of it, saying he and his uncle need to keep moving, but once she mentions a roast duck, Iroh volunteers almost immediately. 

Dinner is… surprisingly eye opening. As they talk with Song and her mother, Zuko learns more about his nation than he has ever expected to. To a boy raised as the Prince to the Fire Nation, who was taught that his nation conquers all, Zuko is surprised to find out just how much refugees are suffering at the hands of his father and his army. He finds himself connecting to Song when she mentions her own father; Zuko’s heart yearns for his father and the relationship they never had, even though he knows he should not. 

After dinner, Iroh helps Song and her mother clean up the dishes and Zuko goes to sit on the porch, reflecting. He rubs his hand through his short hair that grew back faster than he expected it to. He thinks about what Song said, about how the Fire Nation raided her village and she and her mother became refugees.

_ Refugees _ .

Is that what Zuko and Iroh are now? Are they now, officially, refugees from their own nation? Zuko cannot help but be more ashamed of that than being a dishonored prince. 

He’s so lost in thought he doesn’t hear Song make her way onto the porch and sit down next to him. 

“Can I join you?” she asks, even though she technically already has. “I know what you’ve been through. We’ve all been through it.”

Zuko does not say anything, just continues staring ahead. He doesn’t notice Song looking at his scar with curiosity in her eyes.

“The Fire Nation hurt you,” she states, reaching her hand up to touch his cheek.

Quickly, and without thinking, Zuko pushes her hand away. In the three years since he’s had his scar, the only people who have touched it have been healers and himself. No one is allowed to touch his scar, for it might burn them just like it burned him.

“It’s okay,” Song says, without much thought. She pulls up her pant leg, Zuko looking over with surprise. “They’ve hurt me too.”

There on Song’s leg is a burn, up and down from her ankle to her knee. 

Zuko thought he was the only person the Fire Nation burned. Now, he’s not so sure.

* * *

He knows stealing the ostrich horse from Song and her mother was wrong, even after they showed him great kindness, but he also knows that in order to cover more ground, he and his uncle need a faster way to travel. 

So, he and Iroh continue around the Earth Kingdom begging for money to buy food. Zuko still hates this, still feels like a worthless peasant whenever Iroh is forced to act like a fool in order to gain some money. How badly Zuko wishes he could turn back time and stop himself from speaking out. He hates being a beggar.

Yet Zuko has what other beggars do not: he has dao swords and a mask. 

At night, after Iroh has fallen asleep, he dons his Blue Spirit mask and his black clothes and heads out to the town in which they are staying. He does not target those who have little, but those townspeople who could learn a lesson in sharing their wealth. 

For once, Zuko feels like the vigilante Zhao made him out to be, and he hears the whispers of the people each morning after he strikes. Iroh questions where he gets the food and supplies, but Zuko does not answer. Why should he? All that matters is that they are well fed. 

With each passing day, though, Zuko learns more about the war’s effect on the Earth Kingdom. Children are going hungry, wives are separated from their husbands, and Fire Nation soldiers occupy towns that already have little to begin with. Is his nation really that great? What nation impedes on another just to seem strong? 

Zuko hates what this war has done to the innocent people in the Earth Kingdom. 

He hates what this war has done to himself. 

“I know we’ve had some difficult times lately. We've had to struggle to get by,” Iroh says one night after Zuko returned with a bundle of supplies, including a new teapot. He places a hand on Zuko’s shoulder. “But there is nothing to be ashamed of. There is a simple honor in poverty.” 

“There’s no honor for me without the Avatar,” Zuko retorts. 

Iroh thinks capturing the Avatar will not solve their problems, and if that’s the case, then there is no hope at all. 

And Zuko knows Iroh is right when he tells him not to go down the road of despair, because to do so, Zuko will surrender to his lowest points. But hasn’t Zuko already done that? He’s wished for, even almost given into, death multiple times. Hope may be the meaning of his inner strength, but with each passing day, Zuko’s hope has begun to dissipate. 

So Zuko thinks about what Iroh told him, about using hope to find his inner strength. He does not agree with his uncle, he wants to give into despair, but he knows Iroh is correct. The only way for Zuko to find himself, he figures, is to travel alone. Iroh, as expected, is saddened by the news, but he respects his nephew’s request.

Thus, Zuko begins his journey alone. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally, I was going to include Zuko Alone in this chapter, but that episode is so expansive and explores Zuko's character so much, that it may just need to be a whole separate chapter. That particular part is a monster though, and I'm doing my best to avoid summarizing the episode; digging into Zuko's thoughts is easy, but determining when and how is what's tough. Let me know what you all think!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Zuko travels alone, he meets a young boy named Lee. His interactions with Lee cause Zuko to remember his mother and Azula. He also realizes that maybe the Fire Nation is not as great as he was told.

In his almost seventeen years of life, Zuko has never been truly alone. 

At home, in the Fire Nation, he had his mother and his sister. He had his father, no matter how terribly he treated him. He’s had Iroh for this whole journey, even when he was not wanted.

But now? Zuko is alone. 

He is hungry, thirsty, and tired. Zuko must learn to scourge for his own food or rely on the kindness of strangers. 

At one point, as he crosses a bridge, he notices a couple cooking meat over a fire. He lays his hand on the hilt of one of his swords, temptation screaming at him to steal the food and run. But then, he notices the woman sitting on the ground; she is clearly pregnant, ready to give birth at any given moment. His stomach rumbles, but in good conscience, Zuko cannot steal from the young couple. Instead, he continues onward. 

The sun beats down on him, and Zuko closes his eyes for a moment, letting his stolen ostrich horse lead the way for a bit. The ostrich horse jerks slightly, causing Zuko to open his eyes. Sighing, he continues his trek. 

Throughout his journey alone, Zuko thinks of his mother. He remembers her kind face, her encouraging words, how she always had his back whenever Azula was taunting him. She always loved Zuko more than Ozai did.

Soon, he comes across a small town littered with Earth Kingdom soldiers and makes his way towards a small shop. Unfortunately, he doesn’t have enough money for both a bag of feed and something hot to eat, but Zuko takes the shop owner’s offer of another bag of feed for his ostrich horse. 

Somehow, he gains the attention of a group of the Earth Kingdom soldiers after being accused of throwing an egg at them. Zuko knows who did it, he saw the little boys whispering to each other out of the corner of his eye, but he will not tell the soldiers that. Due to being cheeky, they take his money and warn him that he better leave. 

“Those soldiers are supposed to protect us from the Fire Nation,” the shop owner tells him once the soldiers walk away, laughing at Zuko. “They’re a bunch of thugs.”

Zuko cannot help but agree with the owner. As he’s about to remount his ostrich horse, the little boy who threw the egg pops up, thanking Zuko for not ratting him out. He offers to bring Zuko back to his farm, and Zuko almost refuses, but his stomach lets out another growl that he just cannot ignore. 

Once they make it to the farm, Zuko finds that he likes Lee and his parents. They’re kind to him, even though they don’t have to be. He’s nervous, though, that Lee and his family will find out his true identity. Zuko knows he should move on, but the offer of a hot meal in exchange for helping fix the roof of the barn is too good to pass up. 

Soon, Zuko and Gansu, Lee’s father, start their work. Zuko isn’t the best when it comes to construction, his nails all bent and twisted. As he works, Lee prattles on, asking Zuko questions about where he is from and where he is going. Lee’s brother, he learns, went off to fight in the war, and Zuko cannot help but feel sympathy for the child.

Then the boy asks about how Zuko got his scar, causing Zuko to accidentally bring the hammer down on his thumb. Gansu scolds the boy for asking too many questions, and Zuko continues hammering, bringing the hammer down on the nail harder than before.

With each  _ thud  _ of the hammer, he begins to think about his mother again. He remembers sitting next to the turtleduck pond, his hands out as he tosses bread to the animals swimming around. Ursa, in his memories, hugs Zuko tightly and tells him she loves him. 

_ Thud. Thud. Thud. _

But with memories of his mother come more memories of his sister. Azula, the firebending prodigy, who is loved most by Ozai. She always knew what to say and do to make Zuko tick. Every so often, Azula would find ways to make fun of him in front of Mai and Ty Lee, her two friends. Zuko always hated the games she played, always hated how she made him feel weak in order to make herself look tough. 

Zuko has always hated Azula.

_ Thud.Thud. Thud. _

He remembers how Azula tricked him into almost coming home, how she  _ lied  _ to him like she always does. 

_ Thud _ .  _ Thud. Thud. _

He remembers Uncle Iroh’s letters from Ba Sing Se, how he was so proud for almost taking the great city. The pearl dagger Iroh sent Zuko as a gift lays somewhere in his bag.

_ Thud. Thud. Thud _ .

Zuko wants to go home. 

_ Thud. Thud. Thud. _

Zuko is alone.

* * *

Zuko wakes up in the middle of the night to the sound of the barn doors opening. He shifts slightly upon the hay he is sleeping on, straining his hearing as he listens to the sound of footprints. They sound soft, like those of a child, and Zuko quickly realizes who it is. He closes his eyes as he listens to Lee shift through Zuko’s belongings and take something. 

Once Lee is gone, Zuko opens his eyes and realizes the boy took his swords. Chuckling to himself, Zuko gets up and makes his way outside where he finds Lee practicing with the swords in a garden. Well, the kid isn’t doing too well, so Zuko decides that he’s going to teach him. He explains how the swords are two halves of a single weapon and demonstrates his skill. 

Lee’s eyes widened with respect. “I think you would have liked my brother, Sensu. He was always showing me stuff like this.”

Zuko cannot help but smile, his heart beating in his chest with pride. Is this what is like to have a younger sibling who looks up to you? 

_ Snap out of it _ , he tells himself as he demonstrates another move for Lee.  _ This boy is  _ not  _ your brother and if he were to find out who you are, he would definitely hate you _ .

But Zuko does not want the boy to hate him, he wants Lee to like him. Sure, Lee has already clung himself to Zuko, claimed Zuko as his own, but Zuko feels like he should  _ earn  _ the title that Lee has given him. 

Zuko sure did not earn the title of respect from Azula. He doubts he ever will.

* * *

The next morning, before he’s about to leave, Gow and the rest of the soldiers decide to cause trouble for Lee’s family. They taunt the little family, laughing at Sensu’s fate. Again, Zuko cannot but feel sympathy for the broken family, causing Zuko to remember Iroh’s last letter before coming home. In this particular letter, Iroh shared the news that his son, Lu Ten, had been killed in battle and that Iroh was coming home. Zuko’s heart ached for his uncle at that moment. Zuko’s heart aches for his uncle now. 

Before he leaves, Zuko gives Lee his pearl dagger. Sure, it is a reminder of his past, but the kid needs it more than him. Lee begs him not to go, to stay here with him and his mother as his father goes to find his brother, but Zuko cannot. 

Though he allows himself one moment of serenity. He imagines helping Lee and Gansu, even Sensu, around the farm. He imagines helping Sela in the kitchen, making meals for the family. He imagines teaching Lee more about the dao swords, grinning proudly as the boy advances his skills. 

Zuko instructs the boy in front of him to read the inscription on the dagger. 

Once he finds the correct side, Lee reads, “Never give up without a fight.”

The same words Iroh told Zuko before the North Pole. 

The same words that have been ringing in Zuko’s ears since then.

Zuko gives him a curt nod before finally riding away. With his back turned, Zuko does not Lee begin to chase after him, only to stop shortly after with tears in his eyes. 

If Zuko did see Lee, then Zuko might have turned around. 

As he rides, images of a young Azula begin popping up in his brain again. She goads him, poking at him to see if he will give her the reaction she wants. Azula always knew what to say to make Zuko angry; in this particular memory, she is making fun of Iroh.

“Iroh is a loser and a quiter,” she had said. “He found out his son died and he just fell apart! A real general would stay and burn Ba Sing Se to the ground, not come home crying!”

Zuko tried his best to stand up for uncle, he really did. He was only ten when Lu Ten died, and to be honest, Lu Ten’s death was Zuko’s first experience with death. Well, the death of someone close to him at least.

Growing up, Zuko had always admired Lu Ten, and knowing that he was gone forever weighed heavily on Zuko’s heart. He did not understand how Azula could be so cruel, so flippant, about Iroh’s suffering. 

Also, what normal person does not mourn the loss of their child? 

The scene shifts to himself kneeling on the floor with his parents and Azula as they face his grandfather, Fire Lord Azulon. As usual, Azula was the golden child and Zuko was - well - not. Azula had the right moves, the right skill. She was precise and engaged. Zuko’s moves were cumbersome at best, and his flames were far weaker than his younger sister’s. 

He missed the taut frown Ozai gives him when he falls. His mother, as usual, comforts him.

Oh, how Zuko misses his mother. 

He remembers how Azula continued to taunt him, saying that his grandfather was going to kill him. Apparently, Ozai asked if Azulon would revoke Iroh’s birthright and have Ozai be next in line. In his anger, Azulon told Ozai he would kill Zuko so Ozai would feel the pain of losing a son.

_ That wasn’t even the first time Ozai had come close to killing me _ , Zuko thinks to himself bitterly as the ostritch horse gives a tiny grunt. Zuko slows to a stop next to stack of straw and dismounts.  _ The plan wouldn’t have even worked. _

And Azula, typically mean and cruel Azula, told Zuko of Azulon’s plans. 

“Azula always lies,” he says to himself as he rests on the mound of straw, staring up at the bright sun above him. “Azula always lies.” 

He said those words when he was ten, and he says them when he is almost seventeen. 

“Azula always lies,” he repeats to himself. 

For this is the only way to keep going. For this is how he gains peace.

* * *

The peace does not last long however as a  _ squawk  _ of an ostrich horse can be heard and Zuko looks up to see Sela riding towards him in a carriage.

“You have to help!” she cries, panic in her voice. “It’s Lee!”

She explains that the thugs came back when Gansu left and Lee, courageous and stubborn and totally not qualified to deal with thugs Lee, pulled a knife on them. The thugs decided that if Lee was old enough to brandish a knife, then he was old enough to fight.

Zuko’s breath catches.  _ He  _ gave Lee the knife. This is all  _ his  _ fault. He watches Sela sob into her hands, and Zuko knows he cannot just sit around and do nothing. 

“I’ll get your son back,” he tells her as he stands up and mounts the ostrich horse. With Sela close behind, he makes his way back to town. 

Finding Lee and the thugs is easy enough. Gow stands there, eyebrows raised and ready for a fight.

Never give up without a fight. 

“Let the kid go,” Zuko says. His voice, surprisingly, is calm for once. 

Gow just laughs. “And who are you telling us what to do?”

It is then that Zuko realizes just what type of men these thugs are: bullies. Freeloaders who abuse their power, mostly over woman and children. Sick cowards who like to mess with a family who already lost a child in the war.

_ Just like the Fire Nation _ , Zuko thinks to himself as he relays his realiztion to the men who gawk and laugh. 

One Earth Kingdom soldier makes his way towards Zuko. Zuko is quick; he grabs the hilt of his sword and punches the soldier in the stomach without even fully unsheathing his sword.

“Oof,” the soldier grunts before turning back around.

A second soldier runs to attack Zuko with his spear, but Zuko just punches the spear upwards, grabs the man’s forehead and shoves him to the ground. This soldier takes off running too.

Coward. 

A third soldier comes towards Zuko with his spear as well, but Zuko takes him out just as easily. 

Now, only Gow remains. 

Gow is like Zhao and Ozai. Cocky. Presumptuious. Assuming the fight will be over quickly. 

Gow has his dual hammers, Zuko his swords. 

Gow strikes first. 

Gow, Zuko realizes, has his earthbending to his advantage. While Zuko can keep up in the beginning, once Gow begins bending, Zuko is sure he will lose any upper hand he might have gained. Quickly, Zuko is on the defense with no chance to make an offensive move. 

Though Zuko is able to deflect most of the rocks thrown his way, Gow finally creates a rockalanche directed at Zuko. When it hits him, Zuko sent flying backwards and lands flat on his back, his head hitting the ground.

Laying there, he remembers his mother again. This time, she sneaks into his room and squeezed him tightly. 

“I love you,” she told him. “Never forget who you are.” 

And with that, she was gone.

“Get  _ up _ .”

Zuko opens an eye and sees Lee tied up on the pole, looking at Zuko with worry in his eyes.

“Get up,” Lee repeats as Gow approaches Zuko. 

As Gow goes to raise a hammer, Zuko kicks around him, grabbing his swords and creating a hurricane of flame around him. Gow stumbles back, surprised by the flames, dropping his hammers in the process. 

Quickly, though, Gow stands back up and charges at Zuko with his fists out, but Zuko just sends a fireblast at him. 

And another. 

And another.

And another until Gow is laying in the dirt staring at Zuko with fear in his eyes.

“My name is Zuko,” he yells at Gow, swords at his sides, “son of Ursa and Fire Lord Ozai, Prince of the Fire Nation, and heir to the throne.”

“Liar!” Gow shouts back. Gow calls him an outcast. Apprently, he’s heard of Zuko and his fall. The scar on his face is not enough proof for Gow.

Instead of hurting the thug further, Zuko bends down and takes the pearl dagger from off his belt. He stands back up and goes towards Lee, who’s mother is untying him.

“Not a step closer!” she snaps, standing in front of Lee and putting her arms behind her to grab hold of her son. 

Zuko kneels down, offering the dagger to Lee.

“No! I hate you!” Lee spits. 

Zuko nods. He understands. Sure he knew this would happen, but he understands. 

He grabs his ostrich horse and mounts quickly. As he rides out of town, the townspeople watch him, some with various weapons in their hands. There is anger and hatred in their eyes, as if he didn’t just save them from the thugs who were bullying them. Zuko tries to look at Lee, but the small boy avoids his eyes. 

He remembers waking up to his mother gone. He remember’s Azulon’s death. He remembers his father’s crowning. 

Just as he was alone when he came to town, Zuko is just as alone now. 

And he no longer wants to go home. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, Zuko Alone is such an important episode for Zuko's character it would have been wrong not to include it in this fic. HOWEVER, I won't lie, this chapter was... hard to write. Mostly, because the episode does a great job getting into Zuko's mind already, so I didn't have to much. I'm a little nervous it's more summary, though, so it's definitely a filler chapter. Hope I brought it to some justice!
> 
> The next chapter will be my own before he finally catches up with Iroh again.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A kind stranger stumbles upon Zuko. Once this stranger figures Zuko is alone, he offers to bring Zuko home for a nice meal.

Zuko continues his travels alone for the next week or two. To be completely honest, he’s not actually sure how much time has passed. Sure, he could count the number of times the sun rises and sets, but he finds he is too tired for that.

And hungry.

One night, when the moon is shining brightly above him, Zuko lays on his back with his hands behind his head. He does his best to ignore the growling of his stomach and instead focuses on the stars above him, squinting to try and make out the different constellations. Unfortunately, he is so tired and his left eye is too blurry for him to focus properly. And yet, despite the fatigue that creeps into his bones and tugs at his eyelids, Zuko is unable to sleep. 

His stomach grumbles again and this time he sits up. He groans and places his hands on his stomach, squeezing it as though he was telling it to “shut  _ up _ !”. But of course, that did not work. Why would it? 

Sighing, Zuko stands up and stretches his hands up in the air, his spine cracking slightly. He brings his hands down on his face, feeling his gaunt cheeks under his fingers. Curiously, Zuko lifts his tunic and looks down at his stomach: his ribs seem to be more defined than usual and he notices the lack of muscle he’s usually had. 

When was the last time Zuko had a proper meal? 

Zuko doesn’t even need to look in a mirror to know there is a deep, purple circle underneath his right eye due to exhaustion. 

The ostrich horse squawks slightly in its sleep, and Zuko finds that he is jealous of the animal curled up on the ground sleeping soundly. Meanwhile, Zuko is hungry and tired, but his mind will not silence itself enough to allow him a proper night’s sleep. 

Zuko sighs again and makes his way over to the ostrich horse, gently grabbing the pack that lay next to it. He opens the pack, burying his hand inside looking for anything to eat. Unfortunately, he comes up empty handed just as his stomach decides to growl again. 

_ Maybe I should have just stayed with Lee _ , Zuko thinks to himself, throwing his pack down on the ground angrily. 

He knows that staying with Lee would have been impossible though, especially after revealing his identity. To be honest, Zuko is extremely surprised that no other Earth Kingdom soldiers have come after him. Actually, he’s surprised  _ Azula  _ hasn’t been notified of his recent whereabouts. Firebending in a small Earth Kingdom town towards a group of soldiers surely must have captured Azula’s attention. 

But, thank Agni, it did not. 

Groaning, Zuko makes his way back to the ground to rest, placing his hands behind his head once more. 

Sleep does not come easily, and when it does, Zuko finds his dreams plagued with nightmares. Azula runs in and out of his dreams, sneering at him, calling him a disgrace, a coward, a traitor. 

At one point, Ozai appears standing over Zuko, his hands balled into fists.

“Fight me!” Ozai yells, raising his hand and engulfing it in flames. “Be a man and fight me!”

“I will not fight you!” Zuko begs, kneeling with his hands on the ground not looking up at his father. Tears stream down his face and drop onto the floor in front of him. 

“You are no son of mine,” Ozai spits before bringing his hand down towards Zuko. 

Zuko looks up at just the right time and - 

“No!!!” Zuko yells, sitting up quickly and opening his eyes.

Unknowingly, or reflexively, whichever you want to call it, Zuko had sent a blast of fire in self defense in his sleep, waking up his ostrich horse which was now squawking angrily at Zuko.

“Sorry, sorry,” he says to the ostrich horse as he stands up and extinguishes the flames with the little water he had left in his waterskin. 

It is just past dawn, the sun slowly making its ascent in the clear blue sky. Zuko shakes his head as he tries to calm down the ostrich horse.

He thinks about the dream he had, trying to shake the feeling of fear that somehow crept its way into his mind. Every so often, Zuko relives the Agni Kai. He had wrongly assumed that every nightmare would get easier, but he soon realized that they did not. 

The nightmare is almost always the same. Ozai tells Zuko to stand, and he refuses each and every time. Zuko always wakes up just before Ozai’s hand connects with his face.

_ Well, at least that’s one pain you don’t have to relive over and over again _ , Zuko tells himself, rolling his eyes even though he is only in the company of the ostrich horse.

Once the animal is finally calm, Zuko decides to pack up the little belongings he has. He figures it is time to move on to the next town to try and find some food. From there, he’s not sure what he will do. 

Find the Avatar.

Find Uncle Iroh.

Find Azula.

Whichever comes first, he supposes. 

As he’s packing his meager belongings, grabbing his dao swords and wrapping them around his waist, he hears the branches rustling around him. Usually, he would have dismissed this as the wind, but the sound gets closer and louder. He pauses, placing a hand on one of the hilts of his swords, cocking his head slightly as he listens.

A twig snaps and Zuko begins to unsheathe his sword. The ostrich horse grunts just as another twig snaps.

“Quiet,” he hisses to the animal, who continues to grunt. 

Slowly, he walks forward towards the rustling, hand still on the hilt of his sword. Just as he is about to step on the path, a branch moves and Zuko stumbles back just as a man steps out.

They make eye contact, green eyes on gold, before the man’s eyes drift towards Zuko’s hand on his sword.

“I hope you don’t think I’m a threat,” the man says, raising his eyebrow curiously at Zuko who just continues staring at him.

“Are you?” Zuko asks, still not moving his eyes from the stranger. 

The man gives Zuko a sly smile. “I guess that may depend.”

Zuko doesn’t say anything, just continues to study the stranger in front of him. He seems to be older than Zuko, about mid twenties. Zuko notices a spear in one hand, and a bag draped over his shoulder. 

“You alone out here?” the man asks, looking around. “A kid like you shouldn’t be out here by himself.”

“I’m not a kid,” Zuko answers quickly. 

“Sure, okay,” the stranger scoffs. “So, are you alone or not?”

“Why? Trying to decide if you should kill me or not?” Zuko asks, hand tightening over the hilt of his sword.

The stranger chuckles. “No. Just trying to decide if I should invite you over. You look malnourished and in need of a good meal.”

Zuko pauses, standing up straight as he considers the stranger’s offer. 

“The name is Cheng,” the man says. “Do you have one?”

“Lee,” Zuko answers easily. With a pang, he thinks of the little boy he left behind before quickly squashing the feeling away. 

“Well, Lee,” Cheng says, “I just caught some fresh fish and I’m sure my wife won’t mind helping a kid in need.”

“I’m  _ not  _ a kid,” Zuko repeats. 

“You did not answer my question,” Cheng states, shaking his head at Zuko. The ostrich horse gives a low growl, causing Cheng to look past Zuko towards the animal. “Ah, looks like your ostrich horse could use a meal too.”

“Why would you help me?” Zuko asks, finally letting go of his sword. 

“Because, you seem lost and alone,” Cheng replies, shrugging slightly. “You know, relying on the kindness of strangers is not a sign of weakness.”

“You sound like my uncle,” Zuko replies without thinking. 

“Your uncle sounds like a wise man,” Cheng says, smiling at Zuko. “So, you coming or not?”

“I didn’t know there was a town around here,” Zuko replies, looking around. 

“Right by the edge of this forest,” Cheng states. “My wife and I live right outside of town. I’ll show you, come on.”

Even though Zuko never gave Cheng an answer, it seems like Zuko is not going to win this argument. He grabs his belongings in one hand and the reins of his ostrich horse in another. Cheng motions with his hand to follow, which Zuko does warily. 

As they walk, Zuko hears his stomach growl. 

He wonders where Iroh is right now. 

* * *

The walk to town, and by extension Cheng’s house, does not take very long. Zuko figures that if he continued along the river for long enough, he would have found the town by himself.

_ I’m not totally incompetent _ , Zuko thinks, staring at Cheng’s back. But then he remembers he has no money, so maybe a free meal is not the worst. 

“You can leave your ostrich horse here,” Cheng states, pointing towards the outside a small barn where another ostrich horse lays down resting. “There is feed and water.”

Zuko does as he’s told, tying the animal next to the feeder. He pats its beak gently. “I’ll be back.”

Cheng motions Zuko towards the house, and Zuko approaches tentatively, allowing Cheng to lead him inside. Right inside the door, Zuko finds himself in a small sitting area, a table off to the side. Cheng drops his spear, but keeps the bag around his shoulder.

“Koko!” Cheng calls out. “Koko, I’m home! And I brought a guest.”

A woman comes out from around the corner, presumably from the cooking area. Her face lights up when she sees her husband and she runs towards him, throwing her arms around his shoulders. He laughs, picking her up off the ground and spinning her.

“It’s only been a few hours!” Cheng laughs, placing Koko down on the ground. He slips the bag off his shoulder and hands it to his wife, who takes it eagerly. 

“Well, I missed you that’s all,” she says simply, opening the bag and taking a look inside. “Looks like you had a good day.”

“Indeed,” Cheng says, giving Koko’s cheek a small squeeze. “By the way, we have a guest.”

Koko looks up and gives Zuko a small smile when she sees him. He sees her smile waver slightly when she glances at his scar, but he pretends not to notice. 

“Koko, this is Lee,” Cheng states, motioning towards Zuko. “He’s been traveling by himself and he looks like he deserves a nice hot meal.”

“If he’s been alone, then I agree completely,” Koko exclaims, still giving Zuko a kind smile. 

“Thank you for your kindness,” Zuko says, unable to look Koko in the eye. “I appreciate it.”

“Of course,” Koko replies. “Cheng, do you mind helping me? Lee, are you thirsty?”

Zuko nods and Koko quickly fetches him a cup of water, which Zuko takes gratefully. She offers him one last smile before grabbing Cheng and dragging him away. 

She pokes her head around the wall. “Oh, make yourself comfortable!”

Zuko nods again before sitting on one of the cushions on the ground by the small table. As he drinks his water, trying to preserve as much as he could. Sitting with his right ear towards Cheng and Koko, he tries not to listen to their stifled conversation.

“Cheng, he is so clearly Fire Nation,” Koko whispers, her voice urgent. “What do you think you are  _ doing _ ?”

“Koko, how do you even know he’s Fire Nation?” Cheng replies, clearly trying to keep his voice even. 

“Do you see his scar? His eyes?” Koko hisses slightly, causing Zuko to wince.

“Even if he is Fire Nation, I found him alone out there,” Cheng exclaims. “Something happened to that boy, and I could not, in good conscience, leave him to fend for himself. I mean, have you seen him?”

Koko sighs angrily. 

“He looks malnourished, slightly dehydrated, and like he hasn’t had a good night’s rest in weeks,” Cheng continues. “He’s a refugee, just like we were.”

“How can you tell?” Koko asks. 

“I just can,” Cheng states. “Please, Koko? Just a meal and some supplies, then we can see him off.”

“Fine,” Koko sighs. “But that’s  _ it _ . I don’t want to risk it.” 

Zuko bows his head down, trying not to let the tears sting in his eyes. He understands why Koko is wary, especially when she is correct about him. He can’t help but wonder what would happen if she found out he’s also the crowned prince of the Fire Nation. 

Cheng walks back to Zuko and sits on the cushion in front of him. “Koko is making the food now with the fish I caught this morning. Do you have any provisions you need for your journey?”

Zuko shakes his head and stands up. “I don’t want to be a bother. I should leave.”

Cheng blinks and stares up at Zuko. “Come on, Lee, stay a bit. Have a hot meal.”

“Even with someone so clearly from the Fire Nation?” Zuko snaps, unable to control his anger. Another tear slides down his cheek, which he wipes away angrily with the back of his hand. “No. I can find my own food.”

Cheng winces. “You heard us.”

“Yes.”

“Look, Lee,” Cheng sighs, standing up as well and raising his hands in surrender. “I’m sorry you heard us, but Koko’s just been wary since -”

“I don’t need an excuse,” Zuko says, placing the cup down on the table. “I get it. After what my nation has done here, I don’t blame Koko for already hating me.”

“She doesn’t hate you,” Cheng replies.

Zuko starts to walk towards the door, but Cheng stands in front of him, holding his hands out to stop Zuko in his place.

“Let me go,” Zuko snaps, trying to push Cheng who just steps in front of him again. 

“Can I at least give you some money?” Cheng asks.

“I don’t need your charity,” Zuko claims, turning away from Cheng. 

“Look,” Cheng says, “you’ve been hurt. Clearly by your own nation if you’re in the middle of the Earth Kingdom by yourself. And, from the scar on your face, whatever happened to you was bad. Just...let me give you some money if you don’t want to eat with Koko and me.”

Zuko refuses to look at Cheng. Sighing deeply, Cheng walks away from Zuko heading towards a table where he opens a drawer. He takes out a small bag and begins counting out some coins. When he’s done, he holds the money out to Zuko.

“Take it,” Cheng urges. “Please.”

At Cheng’s request, Zuko finally takes the money. 

“I’m  _ not  _ a charity case,” Zuko says as he looks down at the coins in his hand. 

“I never said you were,” Cheng replies simply. “But, Lee?”

“What?”

“Be careful,” Cheng says, patting Zuko on the shoulder. “And I hope you find what you’re looking for.”

Zuko doesn’t say anything, just turns around and walks out of the house, Cheng watching him as he shakes his head. Quickly, he grabs his ostrich horse and mounts, making his way into town to buy some food and get some water. 

He may be stubborn, but Zuko decides he’ll use the money Cheng was kind enough to give him.

As he rides, he cannot help but replay Koko and Cheng’s conversation in his head. Zuko knows what his nation has done to the world, knows about how much his father hurt people. So far in his travels, Zuko has been hated by so many people based on where he was from.

Zuko doesn’t want any pity because of that, mostly because he knows he probably deserves it. Some people might say they wish that others would get to know them first before judging them based on the nation where they are from, but not Zuko. 

Zuko, the disgraced crown prince of the Fire Nation, understands why people are angry. Sure, it hurts, but Zuko’s eyes have been opened to what’s been happening in the world around him.

He used to live in this bubble, thinking that the Fire Nation was wonderful and mighty, and that everyone  _ agreed  _ to let the Fire Nation rule the world. At least, that’s what he was taught.

Now? Now he sees that the Fire Nation is not what it seems. 

And yet, despite the fact that he has learned more in his travels alone than he has in the past three years since his banishment, Zuko is still set on his destiny. 

Find Uncle Iroh.

Capture the Avatar.

Return home.

He’s not sure what will happen once he accomplishes the third task, but he has an idea about changes he wants to make. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm surprised more people did not realize Zuko was Fire Nation, and I think it's important to see that aspect of him being recognized. Like I said, Zuko does not want pity; he realizes what he and his nation have done. I think what's important about Zuko's character is how he realizes, on his own, how badly the Fire Nation treated other nations.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zuko finally catches up to Azula, but when Iroh is injured, Zuko's whole world falls apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The fact that we like... don't know what happened between the time Iroh got hit and him waking up is a crime. So have some angsty Zuko who hates himself.

Zuko has never been a lucky person. 

When he was born, Ozai almost had him thrown over the walls of the palace because he didn’t have the “spark” in his eyes. Ursa had to beg Ozai not to do this.

When he was ten… well, everyone knows what happens, he doesn’t need to repeat it. Everyone knows how he got here.

After leaving Cheng and Koko’s, Zuko buys a variety of fruit in town and fills his waterskin. He continues along the edge of the forest wondering where on Earth he might be able to find Uncle Iroh. 

_ Why did you have to leave the old man? _ Zuko chides himself bitterly.  _ You wouldn’t be in this position if you just stayed with him.  _

Zuko knows why he left of course: because he cares too much about his honor. 

Honor. 

What is his obsession with honor? Hasn’t he learned that he does not need his honor right now? Like Cheng said, he is a refugee who’s been hurt by the Fire Nation. At this point, Zuko does not need honor, he just needs to live. No longer does he have those thoughts wishing for a quick and easy death. Now he feels like he has a purpose.

As he continues along the edge of the forest, he comes across a line of tracks. Not human or animal tracks, but those that look like a machine, with deep cuts into the ground as though the driver of said machine was in a hurry.

Or tracking something. Or someone. 

_ Azula _ .

Zuko now has a choice: follow the tracks that will lead him to his sister and, inevitably, the Avatar or look for Uncle Iroh. 

He squints at the tracks before looking towards the sky, wondering what Azula has been up to. Is she tracking the Avatar? She must be. Lately, Zuko’s been scared, anxious even, to run into Azula. The possibilities of what she might do to him has been running through his mind, and he’s done everything he can to avoid her. But if she leads him to the Avatar…

“What choice do I have?” he asks himself out loud, pulling the reins of the ostrich horse and leading it towards the tracks. 

Along the tracks he goes, occasionally glancing up to make sure he has not caught up to whatever war machine Azula brought from the Fire Nation. After a few hours, he comes across the abandoned town of Tu Zin. Slowly, he approaches the town, listening and looking for any sign of Azula or the Avatar. He leads the ostrich horse towards an alleyway, and he’s sure he hears her: Azula. 

His mind goes blank. Damn the Avatar, damn his honor. Azula  _ lied  _ to him. Azula has always lied to him. She might not have taken everything away from Zuko, but she might as well have. 

“Do you really want to fight me?” he hears Azula taunt, presumably at the Avatar. 

Unable to control himself any longer, Zuko takes the reins again, making the ostrich horse run faster. He bursts from the alleyway, hopping off the ostrich horse and looking straight at his sister, completely disregarding the Avatar standing at the other end of the town with a confused and tired look on his face. 

“Yes, I really do!” Zuko exclaims, throwing his hat aside and getting into a defensive stance. 

The Avatar blinks in surprise, as if waking up. “Zuko!” 

_ He knows my name? _ Zuko thinks to himself. 

“I was wondering when you’d show up, Zuzu,” Azula states calmly, raising one of her thin eyebrows at her brother.

“‘Zuzu’?” the Avatar asks, suppressing a laugh. 

Zuko ignores the Avatar and stares determinedly at his sister. “Back off, Azula, he’s mine!” 

Azula assumes her fighting stance, her face smug. “I’m not going anywhere.”

The three stand there, each looking at each other, waiting for the first strike. Zuko first looks at Azula before quickly averting his eyes and staring at the Avatar who points his staff at Zuko in fear.

_ Aang _ , Zuko remembers.  _ His name is Aang.  _

Just as Zuko wonders who’s going to strike first, Azula conjures up her blue flames and aims right at Zuko who quickly creates a fire shield to deflect. Unfortunately, the blast is too strong and it knocks him over into a porch. He bites down on his tongue to ignore the pain in his back when he falls. 

The Avatar tries to fly off on his glider, but Azula turns to him next, causing the Avatar to stumble slightly. 

Quickly, Zuko stands back up, watching Azula aim another blast of her blue flames at the Avatar. Zuko fires his own blast towards him, but the Avatar is quick and steps aside in order to avoid the attack. 

Blow after blow, none landing on the other, the Avatar is able to run past Azula to the front of town. 

Zuko’s not sure who Azula is aiming at anymore: himself or the Avatar. To be honest, Zuko’s not sure who he’s aiming for either. 

The three continue their fight throughout the abandoned town, none of them landing a blow. 

At one point Zuko follows the Avatar through a decrepit house, but he does not realize in time that the second floor is gone. Running quickly, Zuko falls through, landing on the first floor with a yell. His sight is blurry, and he’s unable to figure what exactly is happening around him anymore. He feels Azula landing next to him, but she makes no effort to help him. 

He does his best to recover, but he is once again knocked unconscious. The next thing he is aware of is his Uncle’s face looking over him with concern. 

“Uncle?” Zuko rasps, lifting a hand to grab on to him. 

“Get up!” Iroh urges, reaching out and grabbing Zuko to help him get up. 

Once he’s up, he realizes the Avatar’s friends have joined the fight. Usually, he would be the one aiming for them, but right now? Zuko is glad he is somewhat on their side at the moment. 

Azula tries to escape, but Iroh is able to stop her. Finally, she is cornered, Zuko, Iroh, and the Avatar and his friends all standing in front of Azula ready to strike. She looks at them, a thin eyebrow raised at the opposing team. 

Enemies and traitors working together. At any other point in time, Zuko would be ashamed to be working with his enemies, but he’s just glad they all have a common goal: beat Azula.

She’s beaten. She knows when she’s defeated.

Just as Zuko lets out a breath of relief, Azula points her finger and aims, a blast of blue light making its way towards Iroh, who screams in pain and crumples to the ground. 

“No!” Zuko yells, turning towards Iroh and falling to his side. 

The world around Zuko goes numb as he rests his face in his hands, tears burning in his eyes.

“No, no, no,” Zuko mutters to himself, “not you. Please not you. Uncle, no, I need you.” 

He does not know what happens behind him, he is completely unaware about how the fight ended. 

Turning slightly, he notices the Avatar and his friends all staring at him and Iroh, their eyes wide with horror. 

“Get away from us!” Zuko yells angrily. 

But they don’t listen.

They never listen.

“Zuko, I can help,” the waterbender states, holding her hand out to him. 

_ How the hell do you know my name, too? _

“Leave!” he yells again, this time sending a blast of fire their way towards their feet.

This seems to work as they all turn away from him and scamper off, leaving Zuko alone with Iroh.

He puts his face in his hands again, allowing angry tears to spill out his eyes. How could he be so stupid? If only he had stayed with Iroh the whole time, this wouldn’t have happened! He should not have followed Azula!

Instead, he should have given up his search for the Avatar a long time ago. 

What’s the point of capturing the Avatar if there is a possibility of losing his uncle in the process? 

Knowing that he needs to move, Zuko stands up, carefully placing an arm under Iroh’s back and lifting him to a sitting position.

“Ugh, heavy,” Zuko mumbles to himself, trying his best to get Iroh standing. 

Unfortunately, Iroh is deadweight in Zuko’s grip, but Zuko does his best to drag Iroh to one of the abandoned houses in town. 

Once in the house, Zuko lays Iroh down gently on the ground. He looks around, trying to figure out what to do next. Before deciding anything, though, Zuko kneels next to Iroh and opens his tunic to look at the burn wound on his shoulder. It’s not as bad as he thought it would be, more superficial than anything. Zuko cannot compare it to the burn on his eye, that’s for sure. 

Sighing, Zuko stands up and looks around the abandoned house; luckily, most of it is intact, but there does not seem to be any essential items in storage. Looking down at Iroh, he remembers seeing Iroh’s pack laying on the ground in the middle of town. Quickly, he runs to the pack and brings it back inside, ruffling through its contents, praying he finds  _ something  _ to help him. Luckily, and he’s not sure how or why, Iroh seems to have been prepared as Zuko pulls out some bandages and soothing balm for burns. 

As he applies both to Iroh’s wound, Zuko doesn’t even think as to why Iroh might have these items in his pack. 

Zuko doesn’t need to know that Iroh purposefully went into a town to buy both items because he knew how reckless his nephew can get. Zuko doesn’t need to know what Iroh might be planning. 

Zuko will know soon though. 

Once Zuko finishes applying the balm and the bandages to Iroh's shoulder, he sits back down across from him, watching as his uncle breathes evenly. As he sits there, Zuko feels his vision begin to blur again, and the hot tears roll down his cheeks. He does his best to wipe away the stubborn tears with the back of his hand, but they are relentless. Finally, Zuko gives in and lets the tears fall, wondering when the last time he properly cried was.

There was that time a few months ago when he was almost killed by some assassins Zhao hired, but that was a moment of weakness wasn’t it?

Is now, sitting beside his injured uncle, a moment of weakness? 

No, Zuko supposes not. 

Showing emotion is not a sign of weakness. Hasn’t uncle told him that before? 

Doesn’t Zuko remember that he is a sixteen almost seventeen year old who was banished from his own home at the age of thirteen right after his own father burned him? 

Now the tears fall more quickly, and Zuko feels his breathing starting to deepen. He takes deep, heaving breaths as he pulls his knees to his chest, wrapping his arms around his legs and burying his face into his knees as he sobs. 

As he sobs, more negative thoughts start to enter his brain, numbing him to everything else around him.

_ You shouldn’t have left Iroh alone. _

_ You shouldn’t have gone after Azula. _

_ You will never be as good as your sister. _

_ Your father will never love you.  _

_ The Avatar will never be yours.  _

_ Your enemies showed you a kindness you can never repay. _

Zuko continues sobbing, thinking about the waterbender who offered to help him and Iroh. He thinks about the look of pity the Avatar, Aang, gave him before scampering off into the forest. He thinks of his uncle, who has always been so strong in the face of adversary, always a shoulder for Zuko to lean on whenever he struggles.

It is now Zuko remembers what Iroh told him all those years ago, on the first anniversary of his Agni Kai: Zuko cannot carry the burden of his suffering alone. All these years, Uncle Iroh has taken some of Zuko’s burden so that Zuko would not be crushed by the weight of his own hurt. 

Is that what Uncle had down now? Taken some of Zuko’s pain?

With a last shuddering breath, Zuko finally lifts his head from his knees and looks over at Iroh, who is still unconscious. He thinks he can hear Iroh mumbling softly, but Zuko pays no attention. Instead, he decides that he needs to be ready for when Iroh wakes. 

Again, he wipes away the stubborn tears with the back of his hand. He gets up, grabbing loose pieces of wood he finds in the house and settles them together, lighting the wood with his own flames. He grabs Iroh’s pack once again, and pulls out his packet of tea leaves and his tea pot, because of course the old man carries both with him at all times. Zuko almost smiles at that. 

Waiting for the tea to steep, Zuko sits up against the wall opposite his uncle, keeping an eye on the older man.

Zuko’s mission has changed.

Wait for Iroh to get better. 

Learn more advanced firebending moves. 

Defeat his sister.

For once, the Avatar no longer takes precedence in Zuko’s mind. He doesn’t care about his honor anymore, all he cares about, at this moment, is his uncle getting better. 

As the sun begins its descent, the sky turning from blue to orange and pink, Zuko feels his eyelids getting heavy. Slowly, he closes his eyes. 

He dreams of a better life with his uncle. 


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Iroh decides it's time for Zuko to continue his training. Zuko knows he is strong, and he wants to prove to himself that he can handle whatever life throws at him.

Zuko wakes with a start. 

For a moment, he forgets where he is and what he is doing. His back is sore, and his head throbs, but for a moment, everything seems… normal. 

Slowly, he sits back up off the floor where he must have slumped over when he fell asleep. Stretching his arms up, he looks over at his uncle who is muttering and moving in his unconscious state. 

_ That’s right _ , Zuko remembers.  _ Uncle’s been hurt.  _

Getting up, he makes his way over to Iroh and checks the bandage, making sure it is still secure. He notices the fire that must have gone out and the cold water that now sits in the kettle. Wincing, Zuko produces a flame to heat the water up once more that way the tea is ready for when Iroh wakes. 

“Lu Ten,” Iroh mutters as Zuko makes his way back across the room to find cups in Iroh’s pack. “Lu Ten….”

Zuko freezes and glances back at his uncle with worry. Iroh’s face is contorted with pain, and Zuko is unsure if it is physical or emotional pain. 

“Lu Ten come back,” Iroh mutters again. “Please, son, come home.”

Zuko feels a stab of pain through his heart as he watches his uncle shift in sleep and reach out a hand. So badly does Zuko want to take it, assure his uncle that everything is okay, that Lu Ten is fine and will be home shortly. 

But that is a lie. Lu Ten has been dead for almost seven years, and Zuko knows how much his son’s death affected his uncle. 

Unable to watch his uncle suffer any longer, Zuko decides that it’s time to try and wake him up. He quickly pours out the tea and settles it on the floor before making his way to Iroh and gently prodding him with his finger.

“Uncle,” Zuko says, poking his uncle’s side. “Uncle.”

Iroh stirs somewhat, but still does not open his eyes. 

“Come on, Uncle,” Zuko saya wearily, giving his uncle another prod. 

Slowly, Iroh opens his eyes, squinting up at Zuko. 

“Uncle, you were unconscious,” Zuko explains as Iroh sits up carefully, balancing on an elbow to steady himself. “Azula did this to you. It was a surprise attack.”

“Somehow, that is not surprising to me,” Iroh groans, placing a hand on his injured shoulder and looking down at it. 

Zuko offers his uncle the tea he made, expressing his hope that he made it just as uncle likes it. He tries his best to ignore the grimace of disgust on Iroh’s face when he takes a sip, and instead thanks his uncle for saying it was good. 

He also pretends he doesn’t see Iroh throw away his second cup. 

“So, Uncle, I’ve been thinking,” Zuko starts. “It’s only a matter of time before I run into Azula again.”

Iroh listens intently as Zuko speaks, as he explains that he needs to learn more advanced firebending if he wants to stand a chance against his sister. The look on Iroh’s face is somewhat unreadable, but Zuko assumes that Iroh will disagree with Zuko’s thoughts and feelings. 

“I know what you’re going to say,” Zuko sighs, “she’s my sister and I should try to get along with her.”

Isn’t what everyone used to say at least? His mother surely did, always trying to get Zuko to play with Azula and her friends even when she was being a menace. Ozai used to make Zuko Azula’s punching bag whenever they were training together. Even his grandfather would try and make the two get along. 

But Zuko is pleasantly surprised when Iroh states, “No, she’s crazy and she needs to go down.” 

Zuko feels his eyes widen as he watches his uncle stand up, grunting in pain. Never have Zuko’s feelings been validated like this before. Never has someone told Zuko that he is  _ right  _ to feel a certain way, especially towards his sister. 

Maybe Azula is just a lost cause. 

“It is time to continue your training,” Iroh tells Zuko, slowly moving his shoulder around to check for range of motion. 

Zuko nods, feeling somewhat excited for what is to come. 

* * *

Only a few people can bend lightning. 

Iroh, of course, can bend lightning. 

As can Ozai.

Azula has been bending lightning since she was a child.

Zuko, on the other hand, is almost seventeen years old and has barely mastered the more advanced firebending moves. 

Iroh and Zuko sit across from each other, cups of tea in both their hands. After Zuko’s disastrous attempt at making tea, Iroh decided to make a whole new batch, shoving the cup into Zuko’s hand without so much of an argument. 

“Lightning is the purest form of firebending,” Iroh explains, taking a sip of his tea. “It is not fueled by rage or emotion the way other firebending is.”

Cold-blooded fire: precise and deadly. 

Like Azula. 

Peace of mind is required in order to perform this specific technique. Zuko figures this is why he and his uncle are drinking tea, causing Iroh to chuckle. Of course, that’s not really why Iroh is having Zuko drink tea; what can he say? The old man really likes his tea. 

When they head outside, Iroh tells Zuko about the different types of energy that surround them: positive and negative, yin and yang. Zuko hangs on to every word that comes out of Iroh’s mouth as he discusses that only a select few can separate these energies that then creates an imbalance.

“The energy wants to restore balance,” Iroh states, “and in a moment the positive and negative energy come crashing back together, you provide release and guidance, creating lightning.”

Zuko watches as Iroh takes a step forward towards the edge of the cliff they are now standing on. He cannot take his eyes off his uncle, who takes a deep breath in and proceeds to generate lightning on his fingertips, shooting it off into the sky away from them. 

Watching Iroh shoot lightning away is fascinating, beautiful, and fearsome all at once. To hold so much power in your fingertips is thrilling, as if holding the world in the palm of your hand. 

Ready and willing, Zuko takes a step forward, preparing to generate his own lightning.

“Remember, once you separate the energy, you do not command it,” Iroh warns him, standing off to the side. “You are simply its humble guide. Breathe first.”

Doing as he’s told, Zuko takes a deep breath in, inhaling deeply through his nose. He is the lightning’s humble guide, a mere vessel to help the lightning find its place. Flashes of Azula, of his father and mother, pop in his mind as he attempts to generate the lightning. 

Unfortunately, instead of producing lightning as he hopes, an explosion launches him back, causing him to fall backwards onto his back. Luckily, he does not see Iroh shaking his head in disappointment. 

“I want to try again,” Zuko states, standing up quickly and walking over to the edge of the cliff. “I can do this, Uncle, I know I can.”

Iroh does not say anything as Zuko gets in his stance, guiding his arms around him in an attempt to generate lightning again, but just like before, another explosion forces him back. This time though, Zuko is able to keep his footing, just stumbles back slightly. 

“Gah!” Zuko exclaims, throwing his hands in the air. “I can  _ do  _ this! If Azula can, then I can too!”

His third attempt goes the same way as the first two. 

“Why can’t I do it!” Zuko states, balling his hands in fists. “Instead of lightning it keeps exploding in my face… like everything always does.”

He knows that’s dramatic, but it’s  _ true _ . Everything always explodes in his face, and it seems like nothing will ever go right for Zuko no matter how hard he tries. Why can’t he just have  _ one  _ good thing happen to him? Is that too much to ask?

“I was afraid this might happen,” Iroh tells him, sighing deeply. “You will not be able to master lightning until you have dealt with the turmoil inside you.”

Turmoil? What turmoil? As far as Zuko knows, he has no inner turmoil and he tells uncle this. 

“Zuko, you must let go of your feelings of shame if you want your anger to go away,” Iroh explains, a sad smile on his face, 

Shame? Zuko tells Iroh has no shame, he is as proud as ever. Yet Iroh, always wise, informs Zuko that pride is not the opposite of shame, but its source. True humility, he states, is the only antidote to shame. 

Whatever that means. 

“I have another idea,” Iroh assures Zuko, “I will teach you a firebending move that even Azula doesn’t know, because I made it up myself.”

Zuko smiles at that.

He really does love Uncle Iroh. 

* * *

Iroh leads Zuko a bit away from the cliff they were standing on. He has Zuko sit across from him as he picks up a stick and begins drawing in the dirt. Each drawing is the symbol of each element: fire, earth, air, and water. With each drawing, Iroh explains what each element represents, how the people live due to the element which they live. Zuko watches his uncle curiously, unsure of why his uncle is telling him these things. Of course, this is information he already knows, though he may have a bias point of view due to his Fire Nation upbringing. 

When he asks Iroh why he is telling him these things, Iroh replies, “It is important to draw wisdom from many different places.”

Understanding the other elements and other nations will help one become whole, Iroh says. What Iroh says sounds like Avatar stuff, Zuko thinks, going so far as to tell his uncle this. But of course, the combination of the four elements is what makes the Avatar powerful, and even though two firebenders are not the Avatar, combining the elements will make them powerful. It’s interesting really, though it does sound difficult in a way.

Zuko wonders what would happen if a firebender and a waterbender were to work together and combine their elements. An image of the Water Tribe girl flashes in his mind momentarily, and Zuko quickly shakes his head as Iroh explains that he will be teaching Zuko a technique he learned by studying waterbenders. 

Again, the two stand up as Iroh explains how waterbenders deal with the flow of energy, how their defense becomes their offense, which then turns their energy against them. Again, Zuko is reminded of the Water Tribe girl and how natural she is at controlling her element. 

“I learned a way to do this with lightning,” Iroh informs Zuko.

“You can teach me to redirect lightning?” Zuko asks, eyes widening. Now he’s excited. 

Iroh walks Zuko through the motion, the flow of energy within his body from his fingertips up his arm, to his shoulder, then down into his stomach, which is known as the sea of chi. From the stomach, direct it up again and out the other arm. Zuko makes sure to note that the stomach detour is critical, because lightning passing through your heart is deadly. 

Zuko hopes he never has to deal with a situation in which lightning  _ would  _ pass through his heart. He shudders at the thought. 

Together, they practice the motion for a few minutes, and Zuko can feel the flow of energy through his body. When Iroh tells Zuko he’s got it, Zuko says he wants to try with real lightning. Iroh’s reaction is not what he is expecting.

“What, are you crazy!?” Iroh exclaims. “Lightning is very dangerous!”

“I thought that was the point!” Zuko says. “You teaching me to protect myself from it!”

“Yeah! But I’m not going to shoot real lightning at you!” Iroh claims. 

If Zuko is lucky, he’ll never have to use this technique at all.

_ Lucky _ . 

When has Zuko ever been lucky? Doesn’t Iroh know that Zuko has had to fight for everything he’s ever had? 

Well, if Iroh isn’t going to help him, then he’ll just find his own lightning. 

He walks away from Iroh, leaving the old man shaking his head behind him. 

Where can he find his own lightning? As he walks, he hears the rumble of thunder in the distance.

_ Perfect _ .

Zuko follows the sound, down a path where the clouds grow darker and the thunder gets louder. Every once in a while, a crackle of lightning. For a moment, Zuko’s heart stops, causing his steps to falter. Should he really be doing this? Should he be putting himself in danger just to prove to his uncle that he is strong? Does uncle even care about Zuko’s strength? 

Who is Zuko trying to impress?

Pushing these questions down, he continues walking, picking up speed towards a jagged path that leads up to a cliff. The closer he is to the storm, the better chance he has to try and redirect the lightning. 

When he gets close to the top, he starts to run, stopping just at the edge where he spreads his arms out and looks up at the sky. 

“You’ve always thrown everything you could at me!” he yells, though he’s not really sure who he’s yelling to. “Well, I can take it, and now I can give it back!”

Nothing happens, and Zuko grunts in frustration.

“Come on,” he yells louder, “strike me! You never held back before!”

Zuko keeps yelling, begging the lightning to strike him. He feels the tears slide down his cheeks, mixing with the rain on his face. His clothes are soaked, the little hair he has is slicked on his forehead and he continues screaming at the storm, at the sky, at Agni, at whatever damn Spirits are out there that can just prove he’s worthy. 

“Please, don’t hold back,” he begs as the strong begins to subside. “I can do it! I know I can do it!”

But Zuko is spared the chance to prove himself. He collapses to his knees, his face on his hands as he sobs once again. 

Life has not been kind to Zuko. He’s suffered and hurt, and yet when he finally wants to fight back, he’s held back. Maybe it’s only fair.

Getting up slowly, Zuko wipes his face with his hand, though it doesn’t matter much since he is soaked from the rain. Broken and defeated, Zuko makes his way back down the cliff to return to Iroh. 

The whole time he thinks about how disappointed Iroh will be with him, how he is a failure in the eyes of those he loves the most. Zuko assumes no one will ever accept him, that he will never be strong. 

But when he gets back to the house, opening the door to find Iroh sitting on the floor with a cup of tea and a knowing look, Zuko’s fears slowly fade away.

“You are strong, my nephew,” Iroh assures him, motioning for Zuko to sit down. “You do not need to prove anything to me or to anyone. When the time comes, you will take the world by storm. But for now, you must learn patience and understanding.”

Zuko nods and sits down, a cup of tea already waiting for him. 

“I see no singe marks,” Iroh states, taking a sip of tea, his eyes twinkling. “Either the storm decided to spare you, or you did it.” 

“The storm spared me,” Zuko replies, taking a sip of his own tea. 

“The storm saw through you,” Iroh muses. “Like I said, patience and understanding.”

“Yes, uncle,” Zuko replies.

He knows what Iroh means now, understands what Iroh wants him to do. 

“We need to figure out where we are going next,” Iroh informs Zuko. 

“What are you thinking?”

Iroh gives Zuko a sly smile. “Ba Sing Se.”

Zuko takes a deep breath and nods. “Okay.”

“We will be refugees,” Iroh informs him. “And we need to find a safe way into the city considering who we are.” 

“I understand,” Zuko states, fiddling with the cup in his hands. 

“Do you trust me, Zuko?” Iroh aks, settling his own empty cup on the ground next to him as he studies his nephew. 

“Yes, Uncle, I trust you.”

Iroh nods. “Good.”

For once, Zuko allows the sense of calm to wash over him. He’s not happy, far from it, but Iroh knows what’s best for both of them. 

And Zuko decides it’s better to be with Iroh than it is to be alone. 

Zuko refuses to be alone again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Going to just plug my other fic: Please check out my new series "cross my heart, hope to die" if you are a Zutara shipper like me! I'm going to be working on both of these fics simultaneously, but I do hope to update this one within the next week or so!
> 
> Thank you for reading as always!


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zuko and Iroh are on their way to Ba Sing Se.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter covers Book 2, "The Desert", "The Serpent's Pass", and "The Drill". 
> 
> I took some liberties in adding scenes between Zuko and Jet, changing some dialogue to make them seem somewhat like friends.

Uncle has a lot of connections that Zuko did not know about. 

For example, due to being well known around the Fire Nation as the Dragon of the West, Iroh was instantly recognized by a group of soldiers who then attacked them. Luckily, they were able to get away.

Next, Zuko and Iroh find themselves in Misty Palms Oasis, sitting in a seedy restaurant as Iroh looks around trying to find his next connection. Zuko wants to get out of there as soon as possible, but Iroh assures him that his connection is here, and they will find a way to make it to Ba Sing Se.

Zuko has no choice but to trust his uncle, of course.

“No one here is going to help us,” Zuko states, looking around at the different people who make their way in and out. “These people just look like filthy wanderers.”

“So do we,” Iroh points out, his eyes glinting at something behind Zuko. Slowly he raises his hand to point. “Ah, this is interesting. I think I found our friend.”

Zuko rolls his eyes but turns around to see an old man sitting at a Pai Sho table, a smile on his face to show some missing teeth.

Of  _ course  _ uncle brought them here to gamble on Pai Sho, but Iroh once again assures Zuko that that is not the case. 

Zuko follows his uncle towards the old man.

“May I have this game?” Uncle asks, once they approach the table.

The old man motions for Iroh to sit before saying, “The guest has the first move.”

Zuko just watches as Iroh places the lotus tile in the middle of the board, extremely confused about what is going to happen. They don’t have time for this nonsense, they need to make it to Ba Sing Se before Azula finds them.

“I see you favor the white lotus gambit,” the old man states, cupping his hands towards Iroh. “Not many still cling to the ancient ways.”

Iroh mirrors the action. “Those who do can always find a friend.”

“Then let us play,” the old man states.

So, Zuko sits down at the table, placing his chin in his hand as he watches the two old men play a very interesting game of Pai Sho. It’s not like they’re really playing, just moving the tiles around at random, with no strategy in sight. Now, Zuko isn’t one for Pai Sho, but he knows for a fact that this is  _ not  _ how you play the game.

When they are done, Zuko is looking down at the pieces now formed together to make some sort of flower. Zuko makes a face and looks back and forth between the old man and his uncle. 

“Welcome, brother,” the old man exclaims, opening his arms slightly. “The White Lotus opens wide to those who know her secrets.”

“What are you old gasbags talking about?” Zuko asks incredulously, still staring back and forth between the two men. 

Iroh chuckles and gives his nephew a wink. “I always tried to tell you that Pai Sho is more than just a game.”

Zuko does not understand, and at this point, he’s not really sure that he  _ wants  _ to understand. Really all he wants to do is get out of this seedy restaurant with its filthy wanderers and make his way to Ba Sing Se where he will be able to hide in plain sight. Where neither his sister nor his father can find him. Where he can be normal for once. 

Just as they are about to get up, two men make their way over, one yelling at Zuko and Iroh that they are coming with him.

Damn, Zuko realizes he forgot about the bounty on both of their heads.

Luckily, the old man, who he will later learn his name is Fung, causes a distraction that causes everyone in the bar to start fighting, and Zuko and Iroh are able to make their escape. 

They follow Fung to a small village just outside the desert where they go into a flower shop. Though Zuko’s heart is pounding in his chest, Iroh seems extremely sure of himself, walking with his back straight towards the back of the shop. 

While Fung welcomes Iroh, calling him a ‘Grand Master’, the highest ranking of the White Lotus, Zuko cannot help but be annoyed. They played some Pai Sho, now are they just going to arrange some flowers? Is anyone going to help them? Iroh apologizes on Zuko’s behalf, but Zuko crosses her arms and looks away.

They head towards the back of the shop where Iroh and Fung enter a secret room, but Zuko is not allowed in. Annoyed, Zuko crosses his arms and rests on a nearby table, wondering what on earth the old men were talking about. 

Not only does he think about his uncle, but he wonders what the Avatar is up to. He wonders where he is now, wonders what villages he is saving or problems he is causing. He knows the Avatar is inventive, but he also remembers those friends of his who are constantly by his side. So many times the Avatar and his friends have bested him, and the last time he saw them was in that old ruined town when Iroh got hurt; they offered to help them, but Zuko refused.

Every once in a while, Zuko wonders what would have happened if he decided to accept their help. Or if he allowed the waterbender to heal his uncle. Would they be with the Avatar right now? Would Zuko be fighting with the Avatar side by side?

Would he finally have friends to call his own?

Zuko shakes his head at these thoughts as he continues his silent vigil of the flower shop. The old men didn’t seem worried about a possible attack, but Zuko is always ready.

Then again, when was the last time Zuko had a proper night’s sleep? He feels his eyes begin to drop and his head slowly fall, his chin touching his chest.

Maybe he should rest just a little bit. Yes, rest for a bit. 

* * *

When Zuko closes his eyes, he sees Iroh laying inert on the ground, a great angry gash on his shoulder, a soft whimper escaping his lips.

He sees himself shaking Iroh awak, begging Iroh to wake up, please wake up, he needs him, Zuko needs his uncle.

Instead, he hears the death rattles get louder as he continues to cry and beg.

But Iroh doesn’t wake up. Because Iroh is dead. Iroh left Zuko alone.

Zuko will always be alone.

* * *

A squeak causes Zuko to startle awake, his nightmare slowly dissipating as Iroh steps through the door. 

The meeting is over, Iroh informs Zuko, and they are headed to Ba Sing Se. 

“The city is filled with refugees,” Fun explains as Zuko just scratches his head. “No one will notice two more.”

“We can hide in plain sight,” Iroh adds, though this Zuko already knew.

A White Lotus member walks in, handing the passports to Iroh before informing them that the two men who started trouble earlier are still looking for Iroh and Zuko.

Luckily, Fung has a plan.

Of course, this plan involves Zuko and Iroh hiding in a pot of flowers, and while Zuko is disgusted at first, he knows that it is the only way to escape. 

And so, they are on their way to Ba Sing Se.

* * *

Much to Zuko’s surprise, the passports work and Iroh and Zuko are able to board a ship for Ba Sing Se, one filled with refugees like themselves. 

“Maybe you will make some new friends,” Iroh exclaims as they shoulder their bags and make their way up the gangplanks towards one of the ships boarded at the dock.

“New friends?” Zuko scoffs as they find their way on deck. “I highly doubt that, Uncle.”

“You never know!” Iroh replies happily, placing his bag on the deck and looking out. 

Zuko shakes his head, just as the bell rings to signal the boat will be leaving. He walks over to the side of the ship, leaning on the railing as he watches the boat slowly start to depart, the sea a deep blue.

“Come on, Zuko, it will be okay,” Iroh assures him, sidling up to Zuko and leaning on the rail himself. “This will be good for us.”

“Maybe,” Zuko mutters. “Maybe.”

As the ship continues on, Zuko finds himself somewhat restless. Though he spent the better part of three years stuck on a ship, he feels stuck, as if he has nowhere to go. The past three years, Zuko has always had a mission, a clear goal. But now? Now Zuko is on a ship on his way to Ba Sing Se where he has to fit in with refugees.

He knows he should be grateful, but he is still fighting with his inner turmoil. Humility, pride, shame, dishonor. They are all beasts inside him struggling to come out. So badly did Zuko want to return home, but now he’s not so sure. He has Iroh, has his life, shouldn’t that be enough?

And yet, on cold, dark nights when he sleeps on the hard surface of the deck, there are times when he remembers being fourteen and wishing for death. But he’s not that scared fourteen year old child anymore is he? Then again, Zuko is not a man either.

On day three of their journey, Zuko is once again leaning up against the railing, a bowl of soup that was provided to him in his hand. He watches the waves crash against the boat, tries to focus on the movement of the ship to ignore any dark thoughts that have been creeping up on him lately.

“Who knew after all these years I would return to my greatest military disgrace,” Iroh states as he looks out to the ocean. 

Zuko sighs, ready to reassure his uncle that everything is fine, that it is no big deal, but clearly that is not what Iroh meant, as he turns around and places a floral hat on his head with a cheeky grin on his face.

“As a tourist!” Iroh clears up, motioning to his hat for Zuko to see. 

“Look around,” Zuko states, shaking his head. “We’re not tourists, we’re refugees.”

And they’ve been refugees for some time. How does the old man see this as a good thing? Sighing, Zuko takes a sip of soup, the bitter broth stinging his tongue. Disgusted, Zuko spits it out.

“Ugh!” he exclaims, scrunching his nose towards the food angrily. “I’m sick of eating rotten food and sleeping in the dirt! I’m tired of living like this!”

Iroh is just about to open his mouth when a boy and two others make their way out of the shadows, smirking in Zuko’s direction.

“Aren’t we all?” he asks, crossing his arms at Zuko, who just looks at Iroh. “My name is Jet, and these are my Freedom Fighters, Smellerbee and Longshot.”

“Hey,” says Smellerbee and Longshot just nods.

“Hello,” Zuko replies, staring at Jet. A pit forms in the bottom of Zuko’s stomach as the other boy just smirks again. 

_ Well, I’ll deal with that feeling later _ , Zuko thinks to himself as Jet opens his mouth once again.

“Here’s the deal,” Jet explains, taking a step closer to Zuko. He explains that the captain is eating like a king, while the refugees have to feed off his scraps. Zuko agrees that this doesn’t seem very fair at all. Especially when Iroh is sitting there with his mouth watering, dreaming of a fat, happy king in his castle. Jet explains that he and his Freedom Fighters are going to ‘liberate’ some food.

Zuko tosses his bowl into the water. “I’m in.”

Jet smirks once again, and Zuko’s heart pounds in his chest. 

“So, here’s the plan,” Jet states, and he motions for Zuko, Smellerbee, and Longshot to come closer.

Zuko just watches Jet as he explains the plan, explains where everyone needs to be and when.

“What are your strengths?” Jet asks, and it takes a couple seconds for Zuko to realize he’s talking to him.

“What?” Zuko blinks, as Smellerbee rolls her eyes.

“What are you good at?” Jet emphasizes. “Weapons, fighting style, bending?”

“No bending,” Zuko replies quickly, and he watches Longshot narrow his eyes slightly, but not say anything. “Uh, I’m good with dao swords. And hand to hand combat.”

“Excellent,” Jet states, grinning widely, the piece of hay in his mouth wobbling ever so slightly. 

“Thanks,” Zuko replies, feeling himself go hot under Jet’s gaze.

What was wrong with him?

“I say we do this tonight,” Jet continues, ignoring Zuko as he looks at his two Freedom Fighters. “We need to be quiet if we want this to work, so Longshot, keep your lips sealed.”

Longshot nods grimly as Smellerbee starts to chuckle. Zuko isn’t totally sure what’s so funny until Jet turns to look at him.

“Longshot hasn’t spoken a word since we met him years ago,” Jet explains, motioning towards the older boy. “No worries though, we can still understand him.”

“Ah,” is all Zuko can think of saying. He looks around, noticing that Iroh has disappeared. “When are we meeting, I need to go find my uncle.”

“Meet here at sunset,” Jet tells him. “And don’t be late.”

Zuko just nods as he walks away, finding Iroh on the other side of the boat.

“Uncle, what are you doing?” Zuko asks, walking up next to his uncle. 

“Oh, just admiring the view,” Iroh explains as he looks up at the bright sky, not a cloud in sight. “What did those boys want?”

“Jet told you,” Zuko exclaims. “We’re going to get better food.”

“I know I told you I wanted you to make some friends,” Iroh states, stroking his beard, “but do be careful. We’re going to Ba Sing Se for a better life, and I don’t want to start off with you causing trouble.”

“It’s not fair that the captain gets all the good food while the refugees are left with nothing but scraps,” Zuko replies, shaking his head. “Why should he live like a king while the rest of us suffer?”

“Are you thinking solely of yourself, Zuko, or of others too?” Iroh asks, looking over at his nephew. “I don’t want you to do anything rash for selfish reasons.”

“I -” Zuko starts, but suddenly he stops. Why is he doing this? Is he being selfish and only thinking of what he wants? Or does he actually truly care about others and how they are fairing? He meant what he said, that it’s unfair that the captain can eat like a king everyday, when the refugees, the people who just want a better home, have to live off scraps. Really, he thinks, it’s truly awful what these people have gone through, what they are going to continue to go through.

Zuko thought he had suffered greatly, but he’s beginning to realize the Fire Nation has done more harm than good to the world. Song and her mother taught him that. Lee and his family taught him that. Jet and his Freedom Fighters are beginning to show him that too. So, really, he’s not thinking of himself anymore is he?

“Zuko?” Iroh asks. “Are you being selfish?”

“No, uncle,” Zuko replies, shaking his head. “I’m not being selfish. These people have been hurt, they’ve been suffering every day for the past who knows how many years. They’re going to Ba Sing Se to be liberated, not to suffer anymore. I want to help them.”

Iroh just nods. “Good. That’s what I was hoping to hear. Just don’t get caught.”

“I’ll try not to, uncle,” Zuko promises. He looks around the ship quickly before looking back at his uncle. “By the way, maybe we should go by our fake names? Right, Uncle Mushi?”

Iroh chuckles. “Yes, Lee, you are correct. Now, get going. Go find those new friends of yours and get me something good to eat.”

Zuko grins in return then walks away to find Jet and the others. 

Though as he walks, he thinks about Jet. For some reason, his palms sweat when he thinks about Jet, and he’s not really sure why. Oh well, he’ll just have to figure this out later.

* * *

Jet’s plan goes off without a hitch, not that Zuko is really surprised. The boy does seem to know what he’s doing, and from what he said earlier, it sounds like he’s done this plenty of times.

Together, he and Jet pass out the food to the refugees, many of them grabbing their hands and praising the boys, thanking them for helping. Zuko’s heart clenches at that; he’s never been one to help people. It feels… nice.

When they are done, Zuko, Jet, Smellerbee, and Longshot join Iroh on the deck, eating their spoils together. 

“I’ve done some things in my past that I’m not proud of,” Jet explains, “but that’s why I’m going to Ba Sing Se: for a new beginning. For a second chance.”

_ You and I have that in common _ , Zuko wants to say, but he doesn’t. Instead, he just listens to Iroh and Jet, listens as they discuss changing to become a better person. Iroh’s eyes fall on Zuko when he says that, but he does not explain any further. Zuko knows what his uncle means. 

“So, what are your names again?” Jet asks, leaning back on his elbow as he looks back and forth between Zuko and Iroh.

“I’m Lee,” Zuko answers. “This is my Uncle Mushi.”

“Well, pleased to officially meet you Lee and Mushi,” Jet replies, taking his hay out of his mouth. “I need to find Smellerbee and Longshot. I’ll see you two in the morning.”

Jet gets up and walks away, Zuko watching him.

“He seems like a nice young man,” Iroh comments, slurping some of his soup. “I’m glad you didn’t get caught.”

“Yes, very nice,” Zuko agrees. Iroh chuckles at the comment, and Zuko feels himself flush slightly. “Anyways, I’m just glad we were able to get these people food. Helps morale if you think about it.”

“You were right of course,” Iroh says, placing his bowl down. “These people have suffered for so long. I know you suffered as well, but-”

“No, uncle, I agree,” Zuko interrupts. “We’ve all suffered at the hands of the Fire Nation. That’s why we’re here, isn’t it?”

Iroh raises his eyebrows. “Yes, that’s why we’re here. You’ve grown, Lee.”

“Yes, well, when you’ve suffered as much as I have, I guess you have to grow fast,” Zuko states, taking a deep breath. 

Iroh sighs. “An unfortunate event, but yes. Your troubled past is the reason you’ve become the boy, almost man, you are today.”

“I have you to thank for some of it, though,” Zuko tells him, smiling lightly. 

“Yes, I guess you do,” Iroh replies, returning the smile. 

Zuko truly would not be here if it weren’t for Iroh. He suddenly remembers the time he was almost killed by Zhao, how he almost let the water engulf him, take him down deeper and deeper, but the only reason he fought was because of Iroh. 

Smiling contentedly, Zuko lies back, grabbing a pillow from his pack and placing it under his head. He hears Iroh get up, then feels a blanket fall on him. 

“Thank you, Uncle,” Zuko says softly. 

“Of course, my nephew,” Iroh replies. “Anything for you.”

Zuko decides he doesn’t want to be selfish anymore. Because if he acts selfishly, then he’s not the man Iroh wants him to be. 

* * *

A couple days later, the boat finally docks at Ba Sing Se. 

Like the very first day when they left the original starting point, Zuko leans against the railing, watching as the boat makes its final stretch.

He feels calm, for once, as if everything might finally work out. Sure, this situation is not totally ideal, but it will have to do for now, won’t it. 

Just then, Jet approaches him, leaning against the railing just like Zuko. He and Jet have seen each other before this of course, spent time around the boat trying to find more ways to help the other refugees be comfortable on their trip. 

“You know, as soon as I saw your scar, I knew exactly who you were,” Jet states, not looking at Zuko. 

Zuko feels his heart clench, the way his stomach begins to knot. How did Jet figure out who he is? Does Jet know about Fire Nation history? Is he about to be found out? 

“You’re an outcast, like me,” Jet continues, and Zuko feels his shoulders relax. “And us outcasts have to stick together. We have to watch each other’s backs. Because no one else will.”

Outcast. Isn’t that what Zuko’s been for the past three years? 

“I’ve realized lately that being on your own isn’t always the best path,” Zuko states as the boat finally makes its way into the walls. 

Jet just nods in agreement. 

The other boy has no idea who Zuko is, what Zuko has been through. Spirits, he doesn’t even know about the crimes Zuko has committed. 

But it feels nice to be understood by someone other than Iroh. 

“So, me and you? We going to stick together?” Jet asks, sticking his hand out to Zuko. 

Zuko studies Jet’s hand, but doesn’t take it. “I think you need to ask your friends first, don’t you?”

Jet pulls his hand away, but there is a smirk on his face. “Yeah, I can respect that. Anyways, I’ll find you later. Good luck in there.”

With that, Jet walks away, and Zuko just sighs. 

Things will be different in Ba Sing Se, and while he liked Jet, liked helping out the refugees, maybe Iroh was right, and Zuko should keep his head low. 

* * *

They make it off the boat, and it takes everything in Zuko’s power not to gag as he watches his uncle flirt with the ticket lady. Leave it to Uncle Iroh to make googly eyes at every pretty woman he sees. 

As they make their way towards a bench, Zuko catches Jet, Smellerbee, and Longshot all talking, their heads put together. He notices Smellerbee looking at him quickly, but he pretends not to notice. A little later, Jet approaches them.

“Hey, can I talk to you for a second?” he asks Zuko as Iroh complains about the cold tea he had gotten.

Reluctantly, Zuko stands up and follows Jet.

“Have you thought about what I said?” Jet asks when they are out of Iroh’s ear shot. “We have a much better chance of making it in the city if we stick together. You want to join the Freedom Fighters?”

“Thanks, but I don’t think you want me in your gang,” Zuko replies. He’s thought about this, thought about the implications of joining Jet, especially since he knows that Jet is correct. Zuko wants to help people, but he also doesn’t want to risk his identity. 

And they  _ did  _ make a great team, Jet is right about that. Still, Zuko’s answer is a firm no. 

“Have it your way,” Jet says and Zuko turns around. 

But when he does, he notices that Iroh’s cup of tea is now steaming. Nervous, he turns around and notices Jet staring at Iroh with his eyes narrowed. Jet saw Iroh, there was no way he didn’t. Stupid old man who loves tea, stupid Zuko for trusting anyone else besides his uncle.

Angrily, he knocks the cup out of Iroh’s hand and grits his teeth, whispering, “What are you doing firebending your tea? For a wise old man, that was a pretty stupid move!”

Iroh just sniffles, and Zuko does his best to stifle a groan. The train finally approaches, and Zuko and Iroh make their way on board, while Jet and his gang eye them warily.

Zuko just slides down in his seat, hoping that everything will be worth it.

Ba Sing Se will be different, he continues to repeat to himself. 

His life will finally be different.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, YES, I did make Zuko have a crush on Jet without realizing it. Zuko is a bisexual disaster, and I stand by that.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zuko adjusts to his new life in Ba Sing Se. He must learn to accept that while Ba Sing Se is Zuko's prison, it is Lee's safe haven.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long time between updates. 
> 
> For this chapter, I added some extra scenes including one with Jet. I also decided Iroh and Zuko needed a conversation, because why not.

The Lower Ring of Ba Sing Se is a lot different from what Zuko is used to.

Growing up, he lived in the palace in the heart of Caldera City. He was surrounded by palace walls, magnificent courtyards, servants and guards who catered to his every whim. When he came of age, he had tutors for every subject and Masters to help bend and learn swordsmanship. 

In the Fire Nation, Zuko was the crowned prince, next in line for the throne. 

In Ba Sing Se, Zuko is a refugee.

In his seventeen years of life, Zuko went from crowned prince to lowly peasant. 

If he’s being honest, he doesn’t actually hate it. Sure, the Lower Ring is dirty and full of poverty, but it is better than camping in the woods not knowing what his next day is going to be like. It’s better not having to forage for food or hunt for wild animals. 

No, Zuko does not despise his new life. Does he wish for something more? Yes, absolutely. Does he still occasionally wish for a way to travel back in time? Not as much as he used to. 

Does he still crave his father’s approval? This, Zuko is still struggling with. 

He and Iroh settle quickly into their new lives, and while Zuko tells Iroh that the city is a prison, and he doesn’t want to make a life here, he knows deep in his heart he will learn to accept the new life given to him. 

Their new apartment, though small, is cozy enough; it is so unlike the palace that Zuko lived in for thirteen years and the boat he later lived on for three, but Zuko finds that he is able to adjust quickly. Sometimes, he misses his warm bed on the boat, but a bedroll is just as good. And Iroh is still with him, that is always a plus. Not only that, but the apartment is not far from their new jobs at the tea shop that Iroh had gotten them. In fact, they are only a short walk away. 

So, Zuko does his best to adjust to his new life, trying as hard as he might not to make it feel like a prison. 

Though he doesn’t  _ love  _ his new job at the tea shop, Zuko is just happy his uncle found something he is passionate about: making tea and serving customers. Zuko cannot help but watch his uncle bustle around the tea shop making lively conversation with customers, his wide grin and boisterous laugh contagious. If Iroh can thrive while in Ba Sing Se, can’t Zuko?

Every day is a new day, one that Zuko must learn to accept. Yet as he walks through the streets of Ba Sing Se, Zuko cannot help but feel like someone is watching him. Maybe he’s being paranoid, a side effect of living in the forest for a while. 

Unless? No, Zuko is being paranoid. He is adjusting to his new life, just as he promised his uncle he would do. 

No longer is he Zuko, Son of Firelord Ozai and Lady Ursa, Prince of the Fire Nation, heir to the throne. Now, he is Lee, an Earth Kingdom refugee who is being raised by his Uncle Mushi after his parents were killed in a Fire Nation raid. At least, that’s what he’s been telling customers who come into the tea shop. Especially those who stare so openly at his scar, their mouths gaping when he turns his head. He hears their whispers, their back and forth theories as to what might have happened to him. Usually they shut their mouths when he snaps at them, tells them he got it from a firebender. Zuko’s not  _ lying _ , but he’s not going to tell them which particular firebender. 

No. This is Zuko’s -  _ Lee’s _ \- new life. 

Ba Sing Se is Zuko's prison, but Lee's haven.

* * *

Zuko wakes suddenly, sitting up on his bed roll as he looks around his room, his eyes adjusting to the dark that surrounds him. Though his left eye takes a bit longer to catch up, he can make out the shape of the room with his right eye. His room is small, the only furniture a small vanity table and a drawer that holds Zuko’s meager belongings. There is a vague banging coming from outside the room, which must have been what woke Zuko up. 

Confused, he stares at the sliding door that separates his room from the small living quarters and kitchen. The banging, he notes, is getting louder. He grips the blanket that covers him, sitting as still as possible as the door slides open, pale fingers creeping from around the door. 

Zuko’s breath hitches as the door finally opens fully, a tall figure standing at the threshold; but it is dark, and Zuko can’t make out who it is just yet. The person is tall and it is his eyes that Zuko can make out, gold tinted and cold as they stare down at Zuko.

“What - what do you want?” Zuko stammers, holding the blanket closer to him as if using it to hide himself. 

The figure takes a step closer, but his face is still hidden. 

“Get out of here!” Zuko says, his voice raising slightly. 

He can hear the figure sneering at him, but there is still no reply. 

“I - I’ll call for my uncle,” Zuko states, lifting his chin. Though he tries his best to sound brave, he’s terrified. Not only that, but he feels like a child. 

“You’re a worthless excuse for a son,” the figure sneers.

Zuko’s blood runs cold. Though the figure is still in the shadows, his face obscured in darkness, Zuko knows that voice. It’s a voice that he hasn’t heard in three years.

It’s the last voice he heard before he submitted to the burning world around him.

“Look at you,” Ozai spits, finally stepping closer to Zuko so that his son can see his father. “You’re a disgrace, a bug on the bottom of my shoe.”

“How - how did you find me?” Zuko stammers, but he is breathing heavily. He feels as if there is a great weight on his chest, or someone reached inside his ribcage and blew all of the air out his lungs.

“You were never good at hiding,” Ozai taunts. “Zhao told me where you would be. So did Azula.”

Zhao? Zhao is gone, taken away from a vengeful spirit. 

“Oh, I had more help, you see,” Ozai states, a maniacal grin on his face as he bends down so that he is eye to eye with Zuko. “You can’t trust anyone, didn’t you know that? Not even someone who said they have your best interests at heart.”

Zuko doesn’t know what Ozai means by that, but he refuses to look away. He keeps his head steady, staring back into Ozai’s cold, dark eyes as his father’s lip twitches with satisfaction. 

“You probably wonder who I mean,” Ozai says, finally standing back up and taking a step away from Zuko. He turns towards the door, lifting his hand as if to welcome someone inside. 

Zuko tears his eyes away from his father to see Iroh walking in, his hands clasped together, eyes closed as if trying to avoid Zuko.

“Uncle?” Zuko asks, feeling his eyes go wide. “Uncle, what does he mean? Uncle how did he find us!”

“You stupid boy!” Ozai spits, kicking Zuko in the leg. 

Zuko howls in pain, grabbing his leg as it throbs. Ozai seems to have enjoyed Zuko’s pain, as he kicks him once more, this time in the stomach. Groaning, Zuko curls into a ball, holding his stomach. He looks up to see Iroh, eyes still closed, but pointedly looking away. 

“Iroh, I cannot thank you enough for doing a duty to your nation,” Ozai says, looking over at his brother. “Not only did you penetrate the great wall of Ba Sing Se from the inside, you also turned in my dishonorable son.” 

“What?” Zuko whispers, staring at his uncle who finally opens his eyes and looks over at his brother.

“It gave me no such pleasure to do this, Ozai,” Iroh says sharply, refusing to look at Zuko. “But I want the Fire Nation in control of the world as much as you do.”

No, no, this isn’t right. Iroh hates Ozai, hates what he’s done, hates what he’s become. Why would Iroh turn on Zuko like this? Wasn’t Iroh happy in Ba Sing Se? Didn’t he respect and accept his defeat years ago? Since when has Iroh been helping Iroh?

This doesn’t make sense. This is wrong. 

“As for you,” Ozai says, turning back to Zuko, “you will get what’s coming to you.”

Zuko moans, finally looking away from his uncle, closing his eyes tightly so he doesn’t have to look, doesn’t have to accept his fate. 

“Did you enjoy burning?” Ozai asks, his voice getting louder. “Would you like to burn again?”

Even though his eyes are closed, Zuko can sense the heat rising in the room, getting closer and closer to him. 

He doesn’t make a sound, doesn’t even move.

Zuko’s been waiting for this, hasn’t he? Waiting for his father to find him and kill him? 

He can never have the life he wants in Ba Sing Se, he does not deserve it. 

The fire gets closer.

Zuko’s ready to burn.

* * *

“NO!” 

Again, Zuko wakes quickly, sitting up on his bedroll, his chest heaving, covered in a cold sweat. He places a hand to his heart, feeling it race underneath his palm as he tries to take deep, steadying breaths. Looking around the darkened room, Zuko realizes he is alone. 

Ozai is not there and Zuko is not burning. 

He lays back down on his bed roll, wiping away sweat from his eyes as he does. Or are they tears? 

“Just a dream,” he mutters to himself. “It’s just a - nightmare. A nightmare, Zuko, you had a nightmare.”

Like some child. When was the last time Zuko had a nightmare? 

Wrong question, he realizes. When was the last time he had a good dream? 

He sighs deeply, rolling over onto his side. Honestly, he’s surprised he didn’t wake up Iroh with his screaming, though the old man does tend to sleep deeply at night. Zuko wishes he could do that too, but as he lays there, he soon figures that he’s not going back to sleep tonight.

Carefully and quietly, Zuko gets up off the bedroll and heads over to his clothes. He changes from sleep trousers to everyday trousers, sliding on a light tunic over his head. It’s not as hot as it is in the Fire Nation, but it’s also not as freezing as it is in the South where he spent the better part of a year. 

As gently as he can, he slides open his door and creeps into the small living area, shooting a glance at Iroh’s door opposite his own. When he doesn’t hear Iroh stirring, Zuko slowly sneaks out of the apartment and into the hallway, being sure to slide the door closed as gently as he can. 

The floor of the hallway creaks with every step Zuko takes, and he’s sure he’s going to wake up one of his neighbors, but luckily no one opens their door to shake their fist at Zuko or ask him what he’s up to. If someone were to ask, he’ll answer honesty: he needs to go on a walk. 

Once outside, Zuko looks up at the sky, noting the crescent moon high in the sky. He remembers what his uncle told him about the Northern Water Tribe princess who gave herself up to save the Moon Spirit, embracing the role herself. Zuko doesn’t know the name of the princess, and he didn’t ask, but he can’t help but be in awe of her sacrifice. Would Zuko ever do something like that? Sacrifice himself for his people? Or for someone he loves? 

No, Zuko thinks, he wouldn’t have the strength to do so. 

With one last fleeting look at the moon, Zuko begins to walk down the streets of his neighborhood. During the day, the neighborhood is bustling with street vendors selling fruits and vegetables, handmade clothes, instruments, jewelry, and more. Not only that, the streets are aligned with people who have no money, no place to call their own. They sit on the streets, like Iroh and Zuko once did, and beg for money. Zuko feels his heart ache to see these people, and as badly as he wants to help them, he himself barely has any money to spare.

Since it is the dead of night, only the crescent moon to guide him, Zuko lets his guard down. Besides, he is completely anonymous in Ba Sing Se. No one knows who he is or where he comes from. 

But as he continues walking, he senses a presence behind him, one that is not the moon watching him from above. His hearing is not as good as it was when he was a child, but still he hears the footsteps close behind him. His heart quickens and he feels a bead of sweat roll down his temple as he continues onward, taking a sharp right turn in an alley. Whoever is behind him follows as Zuko makes his way down the alley, causing Zuko to just walk faster. He makes another turn, and another, and yet the person following him does not let up. 

He balls his fists, tempted to use fire to wear off the unsuspecting stalker, but he resists. If Zuko were to show his bending now, who knows what might happen? 

After his nightmare earlier, Zuko can only think the worst, but he moves quickly, turning his head in a way so that he can make out the person following him. Unfortunately, whoever it is is stealthy, and Zuko cannot make them out. 

Finally, Zuko stops, his hands still clenched, and he takes a breath, turning around slowly.

“What do you want from me?” he asks loudly, taking a defensive stance. He didn’t think to bring his broadswords, but he knows how to fight with his fists. 

The person just chuckles and walks forward: Jet. His hands are in his pocket and he still has that stupid piece of hay in his mouth as he smirks at Zuko.

“Jet,” Zuko says, still not moving from his position. “Why are you following me?”

“Free city isn’t it?” Jet shrugs, raising an eyebrow. 

“Perhaps,” Zuko replies, staring at Jet. He can’t but watch the way the hay bounces in Jet’s mouth, the way he rolls his shoulders back in a nonchalant way, as if totally relaxed with being caught.

“What are you doing out here so late at night?” Jet asks. 

“I could ask you the same thing,” Zuko exclaims, his eyes still not moving from Jet’s mouth.

Jet seems to sense the way Zuko stares, because he smirks, taking one hand out of his pocket and grabbing the hay from his mouth, rubbing it between his forefinger and thumb. He watches as Zuko swallows, but doesn’t say anything.

“I needed air,” Zuko says finally, moving from his defense position and standing up straight.

“Don’t we all,” Jet replies, placing the hay back in mouth and walking over to Zuko. 

Zuko tenses as Jet claps Zuko on the back, but he doesn’t say anything. 

“So, what’s keeping you up at night?” Jet asks, keeping his hand on Zuko’s shoulder.

“None of your business,” Zuko snaps, shaking Jet’s hand off of his shoulder. “Where are your friends? Smellerbee? Longshot?”

“Oh, they’re not here,” Jet tells him, shrugging. “I have a new mission, but they don’t want any part of it.”

“Mission?” Zuko asks. Even though he knows he shouldn’t pry, for some reason he desperately wants to know what Jet is up to.

“That’s for me to know,” Jet smirks, “and you never to find out.”

Zuko swallows again. “I need to get home. If my uncle wakes up and I’m not there, he’ll worry.”

“Sure, sure,” Jet concedes, holding his hands up. “I get it, your uncle worries about you.”

“Yeah,” Zuko says, though he is suspicious. “Bye, then.”

He starts to walk away, only getting about a few feet away until Jet calls after him, “I’m sure you don’t want to be found, that’s all.”

Zuko pauses, closing his eyes. 

“Someone’s looking for you,” Jet continues, “and I wonder who that might be. Maybe… the Firelord?”

“My village was burned down when I was a kid,” Zuko says, turning around and facing Jet, trying as best he can to keep his voice steady. This is the lie he and Iroh practiced many times, one they repeated to customers in the tea shop. 

“And your face?” Jet asks, pointing with his chin. 

“A soldier gave it to me,” Zuko lies, not making eye contact with Jet. “My parents were killed, Uncle Mushi took me in and raised me.”

Jet crosses his arms. “Hmmm.”

“I need to go,” Zuko repeats, turning around once more.

This time Jet doesn’t call out again, but Zuko can feel Jet’s eyes on the back of his head.

He’s not sure what Jet knows about him, what he’s already figured out, but Zuko did know one thing: the simple life he wanted in Ba Sing Se is not simple any longer.

* * *

The week goes on, and while Zuko continues to take his late night strolls, he does not run into Jet again. In a way, he’s both relieved and disappointed, but he’s not exactly sure why.

Again, he will deal with those feelings later.

Iroh continues to thrive in the tea shop, fixing the recipes to make a better tea that brings in customers from all over. Zuko loves his uncle, loves seeing him happy, but Zuko does not love his life. 

He thought he would be happy with simplicity and routine, and he is, but he’s not satisfied. This is not the life he imagined, but this is the life he needs to accept. 

What Jet told him a few nights ago still rattles around in his mind, but he slowly begins to relax. Ozai does not know where he is, Azula cannot find him, and Jet knows nothing.

Until Jet bursts into the teashop one day, brandishing his hook swords and pointing one at Iroh and Zuko.

“Those two are firebenders!” he yells, his eyes wild.

Zuko can see the customers staring back and forth between uncle and nephew and the wild boy that just burst inside. Some of their stares linger on Zuko’s scar before looking back at Jet.

“Son, you don’t know what you’re talking about,” Iroh assures Jet. “We are just humble workers.”

“No! You’re firebenders!” Jet exclaims, he chest heaving. “I saw the old man heating up his tea!”

“They work in a tea shop,” someone yells.

Two guards slowly stand up, hands on both of their swords. 

“Just calm down,” one says, motioning with his hand for Jet to put his swords down. “Drop your swords boy, nice and easy.”

Jet eyes the guard, but turns back to face Zuko and Iroh. Slowly, he advances towards them, and just as one of the guards is about to draw his sword, Zuko moves quicker and grabs it instead. 

“You want a show?” Zuko asks, glaring at Jet. “I’ll give you a show!”

With the guard’s sword in hand, Zuko gets into a fighting stance before pulling a table in front of him with his foot and kicking it at Jet. Jet just slices the table with his swords and jumps over it, swinging his swords at Zuko as he does. Zuko is able to deflect the attack by jumping backwards.

They charge each other, swords clashing . Zuko is able to push Jet backwards, but Jet hooks onto him and is able to turn them around so that Zuko’s back is now towards the wall. With a grunt, Jet pushes Zuko out the door of the shop, causing Zuko to tumble into the street. Jet follows, his face feral as he stares at Zuko. 

“Aren’t you tired of using those swords?” Jet sneers, a sinister grin on his face. “Go ahead and firebend at me.”

Iroh rushes out of the shop, holding a hand up. “Please, son, I think you’re confused! You don’t know what you’re talking about!”

Zuko knows Iroh is right, that Jet is just depending on one piece of evidence alone, but he swings at Jet nonetheless.

Back and forth, Jet and Zuko. At one point, Zuko swings his sword and Jet is able to bend back just in time, the blade cutting the tip of the hay that hangs from Jet’s mouth.

“You see that!” Jet exclaims once he regains his balance. “The Fire Nation is trying to silence me! But that will never happen!” 

Jet is about to swing again when two Dai Li agents appear.

“Drop your weapons!” one demands. 

Zuko does what he is told and lowers his sword, but Jet just points his at Zuko and Iroh. 

“Arrest them!” he exclaims. “They’re firebenders!”

“This poor boy is confused,” Iroh assures the agents. “We are just simple refugees.”

Pao, the owner of the tea shop, and other customers jump to Iroh and Zuko’s defense. The Dai Li agents hear enough and move towards Jet.

“Come with us, son,” the other Dai Le agent states. 

In response, Jet swings his sword at him, but the Dai Li agent catches it with his rock gloves. He disarms Jet, pulling Jet’s arms behind his back. With their rock gloves’ stones, the guards bind Jet’s hands and begin to drag him away towards their wagon.

“No! You don’t understand!” Jet yells, struggling against his binds, the feral look in his eyes returning. “They’re Fire Nation, you have to believe me!”

As the Dai Li agents place Jet in the wagon, the crowd disperses, Iroh included. Zuko just watches, staring at the boy who befriended him on the boat ride over to Ba Sing Se.

Watching Jet being taken away, Zuko remembers how he had been feeling.

What did he see in  _ that guy _ ?

One thing’s for sure: Zuko can’t trust anyone anymore.

* * *

Soon, Jet becomes a distant memory and Zuko settles into his life once more. He is more wary of those around him, being sure to keep an eye on everyone who enters the tea shop or those he walks by on the street.

Slowly, Zuko starts to feel more like himself than he has in a while. His once gaunt face, with his high cheekbones, feels fuller. He is no longer hungry, and he enjoys not having to guess when his next meal is. Now that Jet is gone, Zuko finally feels safe, secure.

Except there is one girl who keeps coming into the tea shop, always sitting in the same spot, always giggling when Zuko hands her her tea. 

“Uncle, we have a problem,” he says to Iroh one day. 

Iroh descends from the ladder that he is on top of, looking over at Zuko with a questioning look on his face. Zuko explains that she  _ must  _ be on to them, she  _ must  _ know that they’re Fire Nation. 

Instead of being concerned, Iroh just chuckles. “She’s in here quite a lot. I think she has a crush on you.” 

“What?!” Zuko exclaims, bewildered. 

A crush? On him? No girl has ever shown any feelings towards him. Well, not since Mai, but that was from before he got his scar, before he received the mark of a dishonored man. 

He turns quickly, but the girl is suddenly in front of him handing him coins to pay for her tea. 

“What’s your name?” she asks, smiling sweetly at Zuko.

“L- Lee,” Zuko stutters. “My uncle and I just moved here.”

“Hi, Lee, my name’s Jin,” she replies. “Would you maybe like to go out sometime?”

Zuko blinks, stunned. Her sweet smile is still on her face, causing Zuko’s knees to go weak. She really is quite pretty, with her pigtails over her shoulders and her nice eyes. 

“He’d love to!” Iroh says for him.

Jin beams. “Great! Meet you in front of the shop at sundown.”

When she walks away, Iroh throws an arm around Zuko’s shoulders with a wide grin on his face. Zuko can’t help but to glare. 

“This will be good for you, Lee!” Iroh tells him, squeezing his shoulder. “She’s very pretty!”

Zuko looks back towards the door that Jin just walked through and sighs. “Yes. Very pretty indeed.”

“Now, we must get going!” Iroh exclaims, letting go of Zuko. “We need to get you ready!”

With that, Iroh drags Zuko away.

* * *

Zuko is seventeen years old, and he’s never been on a date. He’s had crushes, sure. Mai when he was younger, and more recently, and for only a bit, Jet, but he’s never been in a serious relationship. 

Jin is pretty, and very sweet, and she doesn’t flinch when she looks at his scar. 

But Zuko thinks he’s undeserving of love, undeserving of happiness, and he is sure to tell that to Iroh as he combs his hair thoroughly.

“Your hair has gotten long, my nephew,” Iroh says, running the comb through. “It grows back fast.”

“You didn’t hear me uncle.” Zuko winces when Iroh hits a snag. 

“I heard you,” Iroh tells him, “I just don’t agree with you.”

“Why?” Zuko asks, crossing his arms and wincing again. 

“Because, you are someone who deserves to be happy, don’t you think?” Iroh says, finally finishing with his combing and slicking Zuko’s hair back with oil. “Just because you suffered in life, doesn’t mean you cannot be loved.”

“But what if I meet someone and they leave me because of my past?” Zuko asks. 

“Then they are not someone who appreciates you for you,” Iroh replies simply. “Someone who loves you will accept that you are broken, but won’t put you back together.”

“Don’t I  _ want  _ someone who puts me back together?” Zuko asks, looking up at his uncle who just smiles down at him.

“No, you cannot rely on someone else to put you back together,” Iroh says, shaking his head. “Someone who loves you might  _ help  _ you, but not put you together themselves. They sit and listen, and offer advice, and not judge you for what you’ve done. They help you heal, but they are not responsible for your healing, only you are.”

“Everyone will judge me for what I’ve done,” Zuko mutters. 

“Zuko, you may have done some things you are not proud of,” Iroh states, finally sitting down next to Zuko, “but if someone loves you, they will accept that you have changed. You cannot erase your past, no matter how hard you try, but it is the future you work to build that is important.”

Zuko just huffs. “Sure, uncle.”

“Time to go!” Iroh exclaims, getting up from next to Zuko and grabbing his hand. “Go have fun.”

Sighing, Zuko makes his way out of the shop, bumping into Jin. 

“Look at you!” she says, reaching up and ruffling his hair. “You look so cute!”

Zuko grabs Jin’s hand and pushes it away, trying to pat his hair back down. “It took my uncle ten minutes ten minutes to do my hair.” 

Jin laughs and grabs his arm. “Come on!”

She drags Zuko away from the shop towards town square where there are multiple people doing various activities: shopping, juggling, dancing. Jin brings Zuko to a restaurant where they sit at the table across from each other. Suddenly Zuko feels very self-conscious while Jin sits in front of him looking beautiful. 

They make awkward conversation as Jin  _ tries  _ to get Zuko to talk about what he likes about the city, but Zuko doesn’t know how to answer. Jin is nice, of course, but Iroh’s advice runs through his mind. 

_ She likes you for you _ , he reminds himself.  _ She noticed you, and that’s okay. You don’t need to  _ marry  _ her.  _

At one point he lies to Jin and tells her that he used to be part of a traveling circus, which she thinks is funny. 

Still, despite the rocky start, dinner goes by fine. Though Zuko is hopelessly awkward, Jin seems to find it endearing, smiling at him whenever he stutters over his words. She’s extremely patient, leaning on her hands as she talks to Zuko. 

“So, yeah, I’ve been living in Ba Sing Se ever since.” Jin finishes her story with a flourish, grinning at Zuko who just stared at her. “What?”

“Uh, nothing,” Zuko replies, rubbing the back of his head. “You’re just very… nice.”

Jin giggles. “Nice?”

“And you tell good stories,” Zuko continues, causing Jin to giggle more. 

“Do you know any stories?” Jin asks, fluttering her eyelashes at Zuko.

“Uh, no,” Zuko replies, and Jin deflates just a bit. “Sorry, I’m just not as good a story teller as you.”

“It’s okay,” Jin replies, giving Zuko a kind smile. “Now, come on! There’s more I want to show you!”

Jin jumps up from her seat on the floor and grabs Zuko once again, pulling him up from where he sits. She drags him through the street. Zuko tries not to focus on her hands on his arm as they run, Jin’s hair bouncing behind her. 

“I’m so excited for you to see the Firelight Fountain!” she exclaims. “The lamps make the water sparkle and reflect in the pool in the most beautiful way!”

Zuko believes her and he’s excited to see the fountain himself. But when they finally get there, Jin drops her hands from Zuko’s arm, disappointment on her face. Zuko looks and sees that the lights are not lit, the fountain covered in darkness. 

“They aren’t lit,” she says sadly, looking down. 

Zuko has an idea. It’s a stupid idea, and he might get caught, but he likes Jin and he likes her smile. He has to admit, he will do anything to see that smile again.

“Close your eyes and don’t peak,” Zuko tells her. 

Jin looks at him confused, but closes her eyes, placing her hands over her eyes as well just in case. Zuko waves his hand in front of her face, but she doesn’t move. When he’s satisfied she’s not looking, Zuko turns and faces the fountain and lamps. He takes a breath and points towards the lamps shooting small bursts of flames at each lamp as quickly and discreetly as possible. Once he’s done, he looks at Jin who still has her hands over her eyes.

“You can look,” he tells her.

Zuko smiles as he watches Jin uncover her face, her eyes widening when she sees the lit lamps. She looks around, gaping at the sight. Finally, she turns to Zuko, surprise and appreciation written on her face.

“What happened?” she asks. “How did they light? What did you do?” 

Zuko just shrugs as he looks around at the beautiful sight. Jin smiles next to him, slowly reaching for his hand, intertwining her fingers with his. He turns to look at her, his heart in his throat, and watches as she leans in. At the last second, Zuko gets nervous and takes out a piece of paper that he places between their lips. 

“I brought you something,” he tells a now surprised Jin. “It’s a… coupon.”

She takes the coupon from Zuko. “That is so sweet.”

“It was my uncle’s idea,” Zuko says, taking a step back. “You’re our most valuable customer.”

“Well, I have something for you,” Jin tells him warmly. “Now, it’s your turn to close your eyes.”

Zuko does as he’s told, and he feels Jin getting closer to him. Suddenly, he feels her lips on his, bringing him closer before he can pull away. And he kisses her back for a moment, easing into it, but something stops him.

_ You don’t deserve love _ , a voice sneers.

Zuko jumps back, looking at Jin for a moment before going to turn away.

“What’s wrong?” she asks, unable to hide the hurt in her voice.

“It’s complicated,” Zuko tells her. “I’m sorry, I have to go.”

Zuko turns away, leaving a disappointed Jin behind. She doesn’t run after him, or call him any names, just watches as he walks away, a sad look on her face, heart aching for the confused boy who’s leaving her behind. 

He feels bad because he really did like Jin, but that voice in his head won’t go away. He doesn’t deserve love, even if Uncle Iroh told him he does. 

The walk home goes by quickly and Zuko walks into the apartment to find Iroh standing at the window, working.

“How was your night, Prince Zuko?” Iroh asks, looking at him, excitement in his eyes.

Zuko doesn’t answer, just walks to his room, sliding the door behind him. 

But as soon as the door is closed, he takes a deep breath. He turns back around, sliding the door back open.

“It was nice,” he tells Iroh.

He then closes the door again before sitting on his bed roll and placing his head in his hands. 

The night was nice and he enjoyed his time with Jin, especially the kiss at the end. 

But his life is complicated, his life will always be complicated. 

Sighing, he stands up and gets ready for bed. 

Life will continue tomorrow, and the day after that, and the next week. 

It’s time to move on, Zuko decides. 

No more honor.

No more Avatar.

No more hiding. 

It’s just time to live.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I make Zuko explicitly bisexual? Yes. Do I have regrets? Never.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zuko makes a critical decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I was originally going to fit in Zuko freeing Appa AND the catacombs in one chapter, but it became a lot longer than I planned. I added ANOTHER conversation between Zuko and Iroh about Zuko's unhappiness, plus a soft little moment when they free Appa.

The weeks crawl on while Zuko and Iroh continue to settle into their new lives in Ba Sing Se. Every day is the same, and Zuko finds that he does not exactly mind the repetition, the daily routine that he and his uncle have slipped into. 

Every morning, Zuko wakes with the sun, sitting up on his bedroll and crossing his legs beneath him to meditate. He cannot firebend while in Ba Sing Se because then he risks being exposed, but Zuko, strangely enough, finds that he does not particularly  _ miss  _ firebending all that much. 

Fire is the element that burned him, after all, and while he has never been scared of the flames, he’s always been worried about those who possess it. Sometimes, Zuko worries about himself. 

This life, he figures, is monotonous, but it is better than what he expected.

But as the days subside, turning into weeks, which then turns into a month, Zuko feels like he is no longer himself. Perhaps that is a good thing, not feeling like a disgraced Prince every damn day, not feeling like he is worthless and dishonorable. Yet sometimes, that’s not even what he feels. To be honest, Zuko’s not even sure how to describe how feels to himself, cannot wrap his head around his mental state. 

He likes not feeling like a disgraced Prince, but he also misses it.

Some days, Zuko wakes up and he feels as though he is not even in his own body. He looks down at himself, staring at his hands,  _ his  _ hands, but they don’t feel like his hands. When he moves, he feels as though he is only possessing the body that moves his head from room to room, not that it really belongs to him. His actions are his own, he’s sure of it, but he’s still wary.

It’s not until he reaches the washroom, hands clutching the sides of the basin as he looks up at the small mirror, noticing his mark of ignominy that rests on the left side of his face that he realizes that he is still real, that he is still human. None of what’s been happening has been an elaborate dream. 

This is Zuko. This is Lee. 

His body, tired and empty, is his own. He’s no longer feeble, but healthy and robust, yet some days he feels the opposite. Physically, Zuko is healthy, but mentally or emotionally? Zuko has no answer.

One night, Zuko sits in the middle of the living area that is cramped up against the tiny kitchen area. Iroh stands at the counter boiling water for tea while also heating some vegetables to eat. While he cooks, Iroh prattles away, going into detail about his day in the tea shop, about a new friend he made while serving tea, about a funny little girl he watched cartwheel down the street. Zuko does his best to listen, really he does, but he finds that Iroh’s words go in one ear and out the other, completely disregarding Zuko’s brain.

“Zuko, are you listening?” Iroh asks, startling Zuko out of his stupor. Zuko looks up to find that Iroh is now staring at him, eyebrows furrowed as he focuses on his nephew.

“Yes, uncle, I’m listening,” Zuko replies. “Something about a cartwheeling girl.”

Iroh sighs and takes the tea kettle off the small flame, placing it on the counter. He grabs two cups from the tiny cupboard before pouring the finished tea. One for himself, one for Zuko. He makes his way to Zuko, handing Zuko both cups before sitting down in front of his nephew. As he takes his cup back from Zuko, Iroh strokes his beard thoughtfully with his free hand. 

“You seem off, Zuko,” Iroh comments, taking a sip of his tea.

Zuko holds his own cup in both hands, feeling the warmth radiate through the cheap cup. He considers Iroh’s observation, mulling it over in his mind. 

“I know this is not the life you expected,” Iroh continues. “I assumed you were settling in. I’m sorry for doing so.”

“No, uncle, it’s not your fault,” Zuko tells him, shaking his head. “I’ve never been good at saying how I feel.”

Iroh chuckles. “No, you are not.” He takes another sip of tea before addressing his nephew once more. “You’re falling into old habits, my nephew.”

“Old habits?” Zuko asks, his grip tightening around the cup. “I don’t  _ feel  _ angry, I’m not lashing out or anything. I don’t know what you mean.”

“Zuko, do remember what happened when you got banished? When you were on the ship?” 

Zuko thinks a bit. “I just told you, I don’t lash out.”

“No, Zuko,” Iroh sighs, “that’s not what I meant. Think of the first anniversary of when you got your scar.”

“I stayed in bed all day.” Zuko remembers that day specifically. He remembers how hungry and thirsty he was, how he needed to relieve himself at one point, but refused to get out of bed. He remembers being so tired, but not physically tired that creeps into your bones and settles there until you find a soft bed. No, he was mentally exhausted, his thoughts were blurry and he couldn’t think straight. Zuko didn’t get up once that whole day, and when the sun rose the next day, Zuko got up, put on his armor, and went above deck. 

He remembers no one could look him in the eye for the next week.

“You seem like a shell, that’s all,” Iroh explains. “You wake up in the morning and you go about your life as though you’re not exactly aware of your actions. It’s as though you’re not in control.”

“I don’t  _ feel  _ like I’m in control, uncle,” Zuko admits. He finally takes a sip of his own tea, allowing the warmth to pool into his body, making him feel… well, he feels something. 

“Are you unhappy, Prince Zuko?” Iroh asks, placing his cup on the floor next to him. 

“Yes.” Zuko doesn’t hesitate with his answer, doesn’t even have to think about it. He is unhappy, he’s been unhappy for as long as he can remember. Sometimes he wishes he could pinpoint exactly where this downward spiral came from, but unfortunately he cannot. 

“I’m sorry,” Iroh states, reaching over and placing a hand on Zuko’s shoulder. “I know I cannot fix what you are feeling, but I want you to know that I am here to listen.”

“I’m just trying to figure this all out.” Zuko looks down at his cup, his thumb stroking the side as his uncle just watches. 

“You cannot let yourself succumb to darkness, Zuko,” Iroh tells him, pulling his hand away. “Remember what I told you? Do not give up without a fight.”

“What exactly am I fighting for, uncle?” Zuko asks. “I have nothing here. No pride, no throne, no nothing.”

“You have me,” Iroh answers simply. “You have a life to live.”

Zuko just huffs.

“I have a question for you,” Iroh asks. Zuko titles his head, raising his eyebrow as he watches his uncle place his hands on his knees. “Months ago, you told me that sometimes you wish you were dead. Do you still think that?”

Zuko sighs and closes his eyes. “No, uncle. I don’t.”

“May I ask why?”

“Because, like you said, I have you,” Zuko answers, opening his eyes and looking up at his uncle. “And even though this is not the life I was expecting, you were right. It’s - it’s something to live for.”

Iroh nods. “Good, that’s good.”

“Do you think I’ll ever be happy?” Zuko asks, a bit desperate. 

Iroh must have sensed Zuko’s desperation, as he offers his nephew a kind smile. “Yes, you will be happy one day. When, I’m not sure. But I know in my heart that your destiny has happiness planned for you.”

“Destiny,” Zuko scoffs, now placing his own cup on the floor next to him. “I hate my destiny.”

“I know, my nephew,” Iroh replies. “But you cannot change destiny, as she is as fierce as she is relentless.”

“So you say,” Zuko mutters.

Iroh reaches over and gives Zuko’s a squeeze before getting up off the floor, groaning as he stands. He points to the cup that still sits on the ground.

“Can you hand that to me,” Iroh asks, smiling sheepishly. “I’m not as young as I once was.” 

Zuko laughs lightly, but grabs both Iroh’s cup and his own before making his way to his feet. He hands both cups to Iroh, who bows his head in thanks.

“I think I’m going to go to bed, uncle,” Zuko says, stretching his arms above his head. 

“But I’m making dinner,” Iroh replies, placing the cups on the counter.

“I’m not hungry.” Zuko begins to make his way towards his room, pausing at the door to look at his uncle before he slips inside. “I promise, uncle, I won’t stop fighting. I just need time.”

“I know, Prince Zuko,” Iroh states. 

Zuko offers Iroh a tiny wave before entering his room.

Don’t give up without a fight. Well, what fight is that?

As the days move forward, Zuko continues to think about his destiny. 

What does he have to fight for? And will this fight be worth it?

* * *

The conversation he had with his uncle helped some, but there are still those days where Zuko feels like an empty shell. He dreams of more, but these fantasies are just out of reach. The closer he gets to them, the more they slip through his fingers.

While Zuko struggles to accept his life, accept his destiny, it seems that fate has a different idea for Uncle Iroh. After over a month in Ba Sing Se, Iroh is offered his own tea shop in the Upper Ring of Ba Sing Se. This is everything Iroh has ever dreamed of, a wish come true. Zuko is happy for his uncle, but he cannot find it in his heart to celebrate. 

Instead, as Iroh hands over his apron to Pao, Zuko places the tray full of cups on a nearby table and heads outside onto the street. Standing there, he looks up to the sky noticing leaflets slowly waving in the air. As one approaches him, Zuko reaches out and grabs it. 

There, on the leaflet, is a picture of the Avatar’s flying bison. 

_ He’s here _ , Zuko thinks, snapping back to attention. He looks around the street, but it is empty save for himself. Zuko looks for the trail of leaflets, following their flow before deciding that looking from the ground is not good enough. If Zuko wants to find the Avatar, he needs to look from higher ground. 

He approaches one of the houses and climbs it quickly, not even connecting his own movements. On the roof, Zuko looks around, spotting the trail of leaflets once more; however, the leaflets are all that Zuko can see against the clear blue sky. No Avatar, nor are there any of his friends. Zuko looks down at the leaflet in his hand once more, finally reading what it says.

The sky bison, Appa the leaflet calls it, is missing and the Avatar is looking for it. 

Taking a breath, Zuko climbs down from the roof noticing a very disgruntled man waiting for him on the ground.

“Just what do you think you’re doing?!” the man snaps, waving his hands in the air as Zuko’s feet hit the dirt.

“Sorry,” Zuko replies, brushing past the man, “just needed some height.”

“You could have damaged my roof!” the man yells after Zuko. “Or you could have hurt yourself! Do you think anything through?”

Zuko just continues walking, ignoring the man. He doesn’t have time for games.

The Avatar is in Ba Sing Se. 

* * *

Zuko slides open the door to the apartment and makes his way to Iroh’s room, eyes falling on Iroh who sits at their small kitchen table with a small bag placed on top. Iroh looks up at Zuko, excitement in his eyes as he begins to offer some names for his new tea shop. Aggravated, Zuko hands Iroh the flier.

Iroh just sighs as he looks down at the flier in his hand. “We have a chance for a new life here. If you start to stir up trouble, we could lose all the good things that are happening for us.”

“Good things that are happening for  _ you _ !” Zuko snaps. He knows he and uncle just had this conversation, but what’s there to fight for in a simple place like this? For some reason, Zuko is angry again, so angry. He wants more from life than a nice apartment and a job serving tea!

“Think about what you want from your life and why,” Iroh suggests, still sighing. 

“I want my destiny,” Zuko decides. 

“What that means is up to you,” Iroh informs him, but Zuko walks away before Iroh can continue.

What does his destiny mean to him? Well, first he has to figure out what exactly his destiny even  _ is _ . 

It seems that the Avatar is his destiny once again. 

He heads to his room and makes his way towards his bureau opening one of the tiny drawers. Reaching in, he pulls out a black tunic and pants, the mask of the Blue Spirit laying underneath. Zuko lays the clothes on the floor and picks up the mask with both hands, staring into its eyes. 

Zuko has a choice. Maybe it’s not the best choice, but it’s the choice he’s going to make.

To throw Iroh off his scent, Zuko makes sure to eat dinner with his uncle, offering up more names for the tea shop, though he’s partial to The Jasmine Dragon. Once dinner is over, he helps his uncle clean the kitchen area, drying the dishes as Iroh washes. He misses the way his uncle’s eyes narrow when he wishes him good night.

When night comes, Zuko slips out of his room, the Blue Spirit mask pulled over his face. He waits in front of Iroh’s bedroom door and waits, listening for the sound of snoring. Luckily, Zuko doesn’t have to wait long and he quietly makes his way out of the apartment.

Running through the streets, Zuko knows what to do. Dai Li agents roam the streets, so all Zuko has to do is find one and get him to tell Zuko what he wants. Easy, right?

Surprisingly, for the first time in his life, Zuko’s plan goes right and he is able to gain information about where to find the missing bison. 

Lake Laogai. The Dai Li agent, with Zuko’s blades pressed up against his throat, tells Zuko about the hidden entrance.

“It can only be opened by earthbenders though!” the Dai Li agent states, panic in his voice.

“I have my own ways,” Zuko replies, pressing one of his blades harder against the Dai Li agent’s throat until it draws blood. 

The agent swallows, and Zuko can’t help but smirk. Zuko’s not sure when he started thinking so violently, but he can’t help but enjoy it. He releases the agent and pushes him forward, causing the agent to trip slightly. 

“Who-who are you?” the Dai Li agent asks, turning around and facing Zuko. 

“The Blue Spirit,” Zuko states before dashing off, not even waiting for the Dai Li agent to reply.

He follows the Dai Li agent’s directions, sticking to the shadows to avoid any other agents who happen to be patrolling the streets. Once he’s finally at the wall, he scours it for the opening, finally spotting it when a couple of Dai Li agents walk through it. Slipping through is easy, as Zuko is used to staying hidden. 

From there, he continues on, briefly pausing every couple of minutes to either hide or catch his breath. He hasn’t overexerted himself like this in months, and he’s beginning to tire. 

When he finally reaches the lake, he sticks to the shadows once more. Like the previous agent said, Zuko is unable to gain access to the hidden entrance, so he squats behind a rock and waits. 

And waits.

And waits.

Zuko can hear the blood rushing through his ears as he stares at the edge of the water, waiting for someone, anyone, to appear.

After what feels like hours, a group of agents finally approach. One looks around before stomping on the ground, the entrance coming up through the water. Zuko knows he only has mere minutes before the doorway slowly disappears below the water, so as soon as the last Dai Li agent disappears through the opening, Zuko pops up and sprints towards it. He makes it just in time, ducking inside as the heavy door closes behind him with a low rumble. 

Inside, he stands up and looks around. Where now? 

As if out of instinct, he starts walking, ducking into empty rooms whenever he hears someone approach. He listens to low conversations, picking up any little snippet he can about the bison. 

Finally, he hears a guard talk about a large room at the end of the hall and the beast who growls at any one who tries to approach him. 

Looking around once more, Zuko makes his way down the hall slowly until he reaches the doorway. Taking a breath, he opens the door, spotting the great beast in chains as he lays on the floor.

The bison looks up expectantly, emitting a low growl when he spots Zuko.

“Expecting someone else?” he asks the bison, taking a step inside the cell. The bison growls again, taking a step back as his chains jingle. “You’re mine now.”

As he smirks to himself beneath the mask, the door opens and Zuko feels himself stiffen before turning around and getting in a fighting stance.

He was expecting the Avatar to walk through the door, not Uncle Iroh.

“Uncle?” he asks stupidly, feeling himself relax. Wait, shit - 

“I wonder who could be behind that mask,” Iroh says thoughtfully, raising a bushy eyebrow at Zuko.

Knowing he’s caught, Zuko takes off the masks and stares at his uncle. What could he possibly be doing here? Actually,  _ how  _ did Iroh get here?

“I could be asking you the same thing,” Iroh scoffs, pointing at the bison behind Zuko. 

The bison lays low, watching the two men talk, a low rumble coming from the back of his throat.

Iroh ponders what Zuko is going to do, and Zuko tries to explain that he needs to get the bison out first, but Iroh is right: he never thinks these things through. 

He brings up the North Pole, how Zuko almost  _ died  _ in the frozen tundra. Zuko looks away. 

“I know my own destiny, Uncle!” Zuko yells, feeling ashamed. He does know his own destiny, right?

Then Iroh asks him the real question: what do you want, Zuko?

What do you want?

_ What do I want? _

Screaming, Zuko throws his swords down. He grabs his hair, pulling it at the roots as he tries to decide what to do.

“I don’t know, Uncle!” he yells, kicking one of his swords. “I don’t know what I want! I never know what I want! I never know what to do!”

“Prince Zuko, you are lost,” Iroh states, taking a step forward and trying to place a hand on Zuko’s shoulder, but Zuko shakes him away. “You need to find your path.”

“I have no path!” Zuko states loudly, removing his hands from his hair, his head throbbing with pain. “I need to do  _ something,  _ Uncle!”

“What do you want to do?” Iroh asks softly, staring at Zuko.

Zuko lets out a breath and turns to face the bison who is now huddled up against the wall, its eyes still glued on Zuko. Tentatively, he takes a step towards the bison with his hand out in front of him. The bison growls, causing Zuko to stop. 

“I’m not - I’m not here to hurt you,” he tells the bison quietly, taking another step forward. As he does, he notices a small portion of singed fur on the bison’s front leg. “They hurt you.”

The bison lets out a low rumble, not one that says danger, but one of confirmation. With his other hand, Zuko motions to his face. 

“They hurt me too,” he tells the bison. 

Iroh watches from behind, and Zuko can’t help but feel silly as he speaks to the bison.

“You miss your friends,” Zuko comments, causing another response from the bison. “You want to see them again.”

This time, the bison is silent as he watches Zuko approach carefully, his hand still out in front of him. Slowly,  _ slowly _ , Zuko finally stands in front of the bison, reaching forward with his hand and placing it carefully on the bison’s nose. When he senses no danger, the bison closes his eyes to Zuko’s touch, laying down on his front legs as Zuko lets out a sigh of relief.

“Okay, okay,” Zuko says to himself. “You trust me, that’s - good.”

The bison, Appa he remembers, emits another soft groan. Zuko’s hand moves from Appa’s nose to his head, his fingers curling into the soft fur. The bison really isn’t that bad.

“Do you want to get out of here, buddy?” he asks softly, earning him another rumble from Appa. “Okay, be patient, we’ll figure something out.”

Zuko pulls his hand away from Appa and turns to face his uncle who is still watching his nephew with mute fascination. 

“What do you think we should do?” Zuko asks. “He’s been burned, so I’m sure he won’t react well to fire.”

“No,” Iroh agrees, shaking his head. “We need another way.”

Zuko considers his dao swords on the floor. “Maybe I can cut the chains off.”

“If that doesn’t work, then what?” Iroh asks as he watches Zuko pick up his swords and make his way back towards Appa. 

“I distract him, you burn through the chains,” Zuko says quietly, making his way towards the bison’s legs. He pats Appa’s leg gently. “Think you can help me?”

Appa does as he’s told and lifts his leg expectantly. Zuko wacks his sword against the chain, making a loud  _ clang  _ reverberate around the room. He repeats the movement over and over, only making some leeway with the chains. He pauses, wipes some sweat off his brow, and looks over at the bison’s face.

“Looks we need to do a different way,” he tells the bison, who just looks away. Zuko looks towards Iroh. “Like I said, I distract him, you melt the chains.”

Iroh nods just as Zuko drops his swords to the floor once again and goes towards Appa’s face. His uncle gets in position.

“Hi again,” Zuko says gently, placing his hand on Appa’s nose once more. “You’re not going to like what we’re about to do, but it’s to free you I promise.”

Appa doesn’t reply, so Zuko gives Iroh the signal. Once Appa feels the heat emitting from Iroh’s hands, he growls, moving as if about to stand.

“No, Appa!” Zuko states firmly, placing another hand on Appa’s face. He strokes Appa’s nose soothingly, speaking softly. “You want to get out of here, right? You have to trust us.”

Appa groans, but doesn’t move. 

“You’re scared of fire,” Zuko comments. “I don’t blame you, it can be a nasty element. Even I can be scared of it sometimes, and I bend it.”

Appa blinks.

“Fire’s not just death and destruction you know,” Zuko tells him, still stroking Appa’s head. There’s a  _ clink  _ of metal on the floor, and Iroh continues to make his way around the bison’s legs. “Sometimes it’s life and energy. It’s not all bad, but when you’ve burned once, it’s hard to trust it again.”

Zuko continues to speak to Appa in a low voice, getting his attention away from Iroh who works through the metal. Once the last chain is off, Iroh looks over at Zuko and nods.

“Hey, you did so good,” Zuko tells Appa, feeling himself smile. “You’re all free.”

Appa pulls away from Zuko and stands, moving his legs as if testing them. Iroh chuckles at the bison’s motions and moves to stand next to Zuko.

“You did good, nephew,” Iroh tells him. “He seems to trust you.”

“Sure, I guess,” Zuko replies, now looking towards the door. “Now we have to get him out of here. There must be a door big enough for him to fly out of.”

“They had to have gotten him in somehow,” Iroh agrees, stroking his beard. He considers the bison thoughtfully. “Do you happen to know where to go?”

Appa moans and makes his way towards the door, his movements cumbersome from being confined to such a small area. 

“Okay, Appa, lead the way,” Zuko tells him, grabbing his sword and his mask before opening the cell door, peeking out before letting the bison through. 

Seems like the bison knew where he was taken, and Iroh and Zuko stick close to his side as they make their way through the now empty hallways.

“Where are the agents?” Zuko whispers to Iroh. 

“I don’t know,” Iroh whispers back as they continue to follow Appa.

Finally, they come across a big enough door. Appa swipes at it, looking back at Zuko expectantly. 

“Is this it?” Zuko asks the bison, who continues to swipe. “Okay then.”

Together, he and Iroh are able to get the door open and Appa makes his way through into a bigger room with a large enough skylight. 

Before flying away, though, Appa looks at Zuko again.

“Go on,” he urges the bison. “Go find the Avatar. I don’t need you.”

Without warning, Appa licks Zuko, saliva coating Zuko’s body.

“Oh,  _ ew _ ,” Zuko groans, wiping his face as Iroh chuckles.

“See, he likes you!” Iroh says joyfully. 

Appa, on the other hand, gives one last moan before turning around, whipping his tale, and taking off through the skylight. Zuko and Iroh both watch as Appa flies away. 

“Are you going to follow him?” Iroh asks. 

“No,” Zuko replies. “I want to go home.”

“Zuko -” 

“Back to our apartment,” Zuko interrupts, causing Iroh to break out into a toothy grin. 

Together, they make their way back through the passageways and through the entrance. 

Outside, Zuko considers the mask in his hand. 

“You don’t need it anymore,” Iroh tells him, placing a hand on his shoulder.

Zuko swallows and makes his way to the water. With one last look, he drops the mask into the lake, watching it sink below the waves. 

That part of Zuko is gone. 

And when they finally get home, finally walk through the door of their tiny apartment in the Lower Ring, Zuko collapses.

* * *

Zuko feels hot. 

And cold.

And everything in the room is too big, but also too small at the same time. 

His uncle’s voice is too loud against his ears, but also there’s not enough sound. 

“You have a fever,” Iroh tells him.

Zuko can’t concentrate. He’s thirsty. So thirsty. He takes the water Iroh offers him greedily, feeling it dribble against his chin as he drinks. The spoon was not enough, and Zuko grabs the bucket and drinks it down before tossing it aside and collapsing back on the bedroll.

What is happening to him? 

Is he dying?

“No, you’re not dying, Zuko,” Iroh assures him, pushing Zuko’s sweaty hair away from his forehead and placing a wet cloth over it instead. 

Did he get hurt?

“No, Zuko, you did not get hurt,” Iroh answers again.

Zuko didn’t know he had asked those questions out loud. Iroh watches him carefully, grabbing his hand and holding it tightly. 

“Everything burns,” Zuko rasps. “Just like - just like that day.”

Iroh hums. “Sleep, Zuko. I’m here.”

Zuko succumbs to darkness.

His dreams are strange. 

He is the Fire Lord. He has no scar on his face. There are two dragons: one red and one blue. 

Zuko’s never seen dragons before. He would very much like to, but they’re all dead. 

The blue dragon has Azula’s voice and she taunts him.

The red dragon has Iroh’s voice and he tries to placate him.

Zuko doesn’t like this dream. Especially when his mother appears.

When he wakes up, Iroh is making tea. 

“This is not a natural sickness,” Iroh tells him, feeding Zuko some of the tea.

But what is happening?

“Your critical decision,” Iroh explains, feeding Zuko more tea. “What you did beneath the lake. It was in such conflict with your image of yourself that you are now at war within your own body and mind.”

What does that mean?

“You are going through a metamorphosis, my nephew,” Iroh states softly. “It will not be a pleasant experience.”

No, no it will not be. 

The comfort Iroh’s words do not help and Zuko curls into a ball once more, wrapping the blanket around himself tightly. 

He succumbs to sleep once more.

When he wakes up, his uncle is asleep on the floor next to him, leaning up against the wall for support. Slowly, Zuko gets up off the bedroll, his muscles screaming in protest. With careful steps, he heads to the bathroom. With the water in the basin, he washes his face. His hands. His hands. 

But when he looks into the mirror, that’s not his face.

No, he has no hair. No scar. Blue arrows on his head.

He screams and wakes up for real, breathing heavily. Iroh jerks awake next him.

“What, what is it?” Iroh asks groggily, rubbing his eye with his fist. 

“Nothing, uncle,” Zuko states, still trying to catch his breath. “Just - just a nightmare. Nothing to worry about.”

Iroh yawns, stretching his arms up. “Anything interesting?”

“No,” Zuko deadpans, lying back down on the bedroll. 

He lifts his hands in front of his face and studies them, Iroh watching closely. Yes, those are his hands. He uses one of them to touch the scar on his cheek. Yes, it is still there. Then he makes his way to his hair. Yes, he has hair, much longer now than it was a few months ago. 

“Zuko, are you all right?” Iroh asks, leaning forward.

“Yes,” Zuko replies. “I’m all right.”

Iroh nods. “If you are well enough, we move to the Upper Ring in a couple days. Do you think you are strong enough?”

“Yes, uncle,” Zuko replies, feeling his eyes droop once more. “I’m strong enough.”

Physically, mentally, emotionally, Zuko’s not sure which. 

Zuko is strong enough to leave his past behind him. 

When his eyes close once more, he thinks of Appa flying off. He hopes the bison found the Avatar. 

Agni, he hopes he did the right thing. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm hopping for the next chapter to focus on the catacombs and Zuko's return to the Fire Nation. I think I might briefly summarize his time home, and mostly dive into his thoughts while he's home (how he feels about Ozai, Azula, Mai, and Ty Lee). 
> 
> I have so much extra planned for when he's finally with the Gaang and I keep trying to get ahead of myself lol. Anyways, hope you enjoyed the tender moment between Zuko and Appa.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you all for reading! Let me know what you think! I may continue with this as a retelling of the series from Zuko's POV, focusing on important events in the series. Mostly I want to focus on Zuko's thoughts throughout the series, rather than relationship building, though that may come into play as well. 
> 
> We'll see!


End file.
